New adventures!

The top two pictures are from Sam's first day at daycare, and the bottom one is one that I took Friday before I took her to daycare for her last day :o( So much growth and learning in the 4 months in between (though admittedly, not much more hair -- it's coming!!!)

Friday was Samantha's last day at daycare and it was REALLY sad for me! The owner and infant room teacher were all teary-eyed in the morning when I dropped Sam off (I took gifts - a heart necklace for Sam's favorite teacher with a card that said, "you are always in my heart," heart earrings for the owner and pink sunglasses for all the teachers :o)) I asked Brian to PLEASE do the pick-up b/c I didn't want to cry. They've been wonderful, and knowing how happy she was there each day made working easier for me. But, I know we are doing the right thing . . . she needs the one-on-one and I NEED something to take some of the load off of me w/ PT, etc. Anyway, the nanny starts tomorrow and we've had a busy weekend getting ready for her -- new car seat base, new garage door opener, stocked the fridge, etc. I'm NERVOUS. I mean, we THINK we picked a great candidate, but it's still hard to leave Sam with someone new . . . I know there will be a transition period, and they have to build a relationship. Sam's also going through the separation anxiety that is normal at this age . . . when someone new holds her, she's FINE as long as B or I are around, but when we walk away, she cries. So hard!! I'm nervous about the nanny transition!

Despite the super long to-do list, we had a fun weekend. Friday night, the three of us went to Sears to get the new garage door remote and then out to dinner . . . little bean was out late - until after 9! Then, Saturday we ran errands all day (in a divide-and-conquer way . . . daddy did some errands while Sam and I did others) and then went to a friend's birthday party Saturday night. Sam went along (she's SUCH a little trooper)! We stayed at the party until 9, so she didn't get in bed until 10! She was great - as long as she could see me or Brian . . . someone held her for us to go get food, and I heard her SCREAMING when we were out of sight :o( But, the rest of the night, she was her normal smiley, charming self ;o) Today, we had friends over and had lunch by the water --- she was in a great mood and we all had fun!!! Then Sam and I had one of our super snuggly naps on the couch together -- with her hand on my cheek :o)

More to come on the adventures of Sam & Nanny! A new friend, and new adventures :o) I'm going to stick around for an hour or so in the morning, and show the nanny around. For now, I just want her to spend the first couple of days bonding with Sam and building trust before we really worry too much about the exercising . . . then on Thursday, the nanny will attend her first PT session with Sam and me (or Brian).

(Oh -- another really exciting thing is that Sam generally always smiles for the camera now :o) This mama business gets more fun every single day!)

the Bean goes to Chi-Town

We spent last weekend in Chicago with two of our dearest friends, Kevin & Val. Brian and I missed their wedding in September because I was on bed rest, so we used our leftover plane tickets to go see them in their new home in Chicago. It was WONDERFUL! It was SO good for us to see them (they are the kind of friends that are just good for my soul!). And, Sam was absolutely wonderful . . . on the plane, during the trip, the WHOLE time. K & V couldn't believe what a chill little baby she was :o) We spent time touring Chicago, and she just rode along in her stroller. We also just hung out at Kevin and Val's house, had great dinners in and great dinners, lunches, and brunches out. . . and through it all, the bean was an absolute delight. We got to have a game night with K & V's Chicago friends (very fun), which was a blast! We really are VERY lucky. We also met a lady (working in a little baby boutique we visited in K & V's neighborhood) that has a two and a half year old little girl who had to have PT for low muscle tone/gross motor delay and is now ABSOLUTELY fine. It was eerie how similar her story was to what WE have been going through . . . she could totally relate to all of my mama emotions, and we ended up having a GREAT conversation. The whole weekend was just good for me and for us. We hope to make time with K & V a memorial day weekend tradition . . . they are special friends, and its important for me to have them in my bean's life!

In other news . . . WE HIRED A NANNY and I let daycare know that this will be Sam's last week. Our nanny, Alma, will be starting on Monday. We are super excited. She's young and active and already excited to spend one-on-one time with our little bean. She's really sort of introverted and quiet -- but we saw her interact with Sam, and she's GREAT. Her references described her as "intellectually curious," having a "quiet confidence" and a really just ADORED her. One parent ascribed to a parenting philosophy that Alma had never heard of (RIE) so Alma went and got books and read about it, and went to a seminar so that she could put those theories into practice in caring for their child. I think that speaks VOLUMES about her, and indicates that she'll really listen to the physical therapist and do all she can to work with Sam . . . exactly what we need and what Sam wants!

It was sad to tell the daycare, but I know this is for the best, and they understand our reasons as well . . . now we just need the regional center to get going so that we can get Sam in for PT 2 x per week as ordered (right now, we've been paying and only able to do 1 x per week).

Things are going well for us (finally, a sigh of relief), and I feel like maybe just maybe, we can return to some sort of normalcy . . . just a different normal than we anticipated . . . but life keeps us on our toes!

Sammie's hands

I still need to write about our Memorial Day weekend in Chicago (happy travels and happy times!) but tonight, I only have a few minutes, so I just want to write about how much I love my little Bean's hands. . . her newest thing (well, since the glasses really, and its just gotten more prevalent) is touching our faces. She LOVES to grab our lips, chins, whatever. When we hold her, she reaches for our faces. I think with her new found vision, she's just seeing us better, so she wants to TOUCH us, and I LOVE LOVE LOVE it. Her little hands are so soft & pudgy, and I just love the way she rubs my face. I hope I never forget how wonderful it feels :o) She's even been falling asleep while doing it, and I know she's officially asleep when her little hand stops moving. Last week, I fell asleep with her hand reaching across and touching my cheek (we were both napping in my bed). And, another day, I woke up with a little finger (not mine) in my nose!!! Tonight as I put her to bed, and she kept touching my face, I thought about how fast those little hands will grow, and just realized I wanted to write about this so I remember five years from now when her hands are busy doing other things . . . writing, drawing, playing . . . how wonderful it felt when they were so tiny and on my face :o)

A few pics from my birthday

On Sunday, my THIRTIETH birthday . . . we had lunch with friends at a Mexican place by the beach (sat on the patio . . . the same place we ate at during our trip to CA in 2004 to find a place to live), and then just hung out at home (yes, the mellow day I asked for but then I pouted all day b/c I wished I'd had more fanfare!) Sam fell asleep at lunch (see picture above) and later in the afternoon, we set up a blanket outside and played for awhile. LOVE our new camera!!!

Eight Month Check-Up . . .

We had Sammie's 8 month checkup today and our pediatrician was REALLY happy with her progress in the last two months :o) She said she can definitely tell that she's gotten stronger, especially her neck. We were THRILLED!!! After that we had our eye doctor follow-up and got a NEW prescription so we are having her lenses changed. We also ordered a back-up pair of glasses (lavender frames :o)) with transition lenses. It was a LONG day for Sam - two appointments in a row, and no sleep all morning, but she did fabulous until the optical shop . . . when she had a slight breakdown, but she immediately fell asleep the second we got her in the car, and we came home and I took a nap with her :o) I'll be up LATE working tonight, and worked off and on in my spare time today, but it's worth it to have gone to her appointments.

We've posted a nanny ad on Craig's List and gotten TONS of responses (I'm just letting Brian weed through them, which is tough for me), but we've started interviewing, and liked the candidate today a lot.

I need to get the software for our new camera installed on the computer so I can post pics with my blogs . . . these updates without pictures must be a little disappointing!!!

!#$%&*!!!!!

Ugh. So, nanny fell through. I was under the (false) impression she was legal to work in the US given the friend that recommended her. So, I didn't ask. But, then, yesterday (also first day back at work) I called to get her SSN, only to find out --- she's NOT legal. I spent all day on the phone and internet trying to figure out a way to make it work. . . I guess residency requests (which she said she'd filed) can take forever, so I called an immigration lawyer. I called a friend that's worked in a clinic for domestic workers. I tried everything. But, its a no-go.

So, I'm beside myself (disappointed, stressed, angry) . . . I COULD have continued interviewing nannies all last week. I went back to work thinking it was all squared away and its not. Brian is going to take over the nanny hunt b/c I'm at the end of my rope (and I realize at some point, I have to give up some of the control. I can't do it all no matter how much I want to or how hard I try).

We also started the eye drops to dilate Sam's eyes and she had a reaction (toxicity symptoms) so I spent a good part of the evening last night FREAKING out and on the phone with the on-call pediatric ophthamology resident (a moron) and then our pediatrician (a saint). And, I slept on the floor next to Sam's crib to watch her. I'm just starting to feel like my poor bean (and me and Brian) just can't catch an f'in break. People have kids all the time. Morons. Drug addicts. And things somehow run smoothly. We've done everything the way we thought we were supposed to, and it feels like NOTHING is going right. Well, nothing except that our little bean is the best thing ever, even if we do have some obstacles . . . I know we will get through all of this. Yes, I know. . . . glass half full/empty . . . story of my life is trying to remember that! I know it will work out, but right now, I'm allowed to freak out a bit. I'm super bummed about this nanny business. I LOVED her. I hate the immigration system, and I get it that she's gotten a raw deal, but given B's job, it's not our place to just buck the rules b/c we disagree with the system . . . .

Birthday weekend begins . . .

So, the thirtieth birthday weekend begins. As I said, (I think) I'm indifferent to turning 30. Mother's Day weekend felt so HUGE, and all I want for my birthday is just a mellow weekend with my family and a new camera. Our digital camera has been broken for awhile . . . the screen doesn't work, so its like taking pictures in the "old" days -- you can't see them when you take them! Its been funny actually - having to look through the viewer instead of at the screen when we take pictures, and asking others to do the same when they use it - people look at us like, "what kind of archaic camera is this?"

We started the weekend on Friday with a trip to the park with my friend and her 10 month old daughter. I packed a bag with a blanket, books and toys, and we did Sam's daily exercises (tummy time, practice rolling, stretching her hips and sitting practice) at the park. It was exciting for her and a nice change of pace for me :o) She did wonderfully! I've also found that reading her books during tummy time helps -- she lifts her head HIGH to see the books. Here are a few pictures from the park:




After we did the exercises at the park, she fell asleep sitting up in my lap!!!

Saturday, the whole fam went to the California Strawberry Festival in Oxnard . . . there were SO many people! Brian wanted to enter the eating contest, but alas, we got there too late for the 1:00 one, and didn't want to stick around until the 4:30 one. We walked around a little bit, had strawberry margaritas and strawberry nachos (worth the drive!) and then set up on a blanket for the live music. We played a little, and then Sam fell alseep on the blanket. EVERYONE that walked by commented on how cute she looked (we'd dressed her in a strawberry outfit we had!). After that, Brian bought strawberries and we headed back to LA. Before coming home, we stopped and bought a new camera :o) which I'm so excited to use! Then, we picked up tacos from a favorite taco stand (one we haven't eaten from since a friend brought them to us in the NICU - which is a fabulous story itself . . . after I had those tacos - Tito's - the next day (remember I was pumping breast milk for Sam) was the first day Sam finished an entire bottle! We told the nurses, and the NICU nurses immediately started singing the Tito's Taco's commercial song . . . "We love Tito's Tacos.") Anyway, so that was our Saturday . . . a good day! And here are a few pictures from the day.


She's doing REALLY well during sitting. I told the PT on Thursday that I feel like Sam CAN sit on her own, but when I let go (I only provide a LITTLE support) she whines and cries. The PT said its just a confidence thing. She's not ready to sit on her own. She wants someone there so she feels secure. She said kids do the same thing with walking sometimes, and its normal. I can just barely sit behind her, not really with her leaning on me or anything, but as long as I'm there, she can do it. Sweet bean! She'll get there. She's really crossing her eyes again, so I'm now convinced the prescription in her glasses is too weak. We go back to the opthamologist this Wednesday (after using the drops Monday/Tuesday to dilate her pupils). I'm trying to keep from getting discouraged . . . I know the doctors will eventually figure it out! She still so happy ALL the time and such a mellow little bean! I'm so happy to have her in our lives.

So, tomorrow's the big day - 30!!! We are going to eat somewhere near the beach with friends, and then hit a park together. I can't think of any better way to ring in 30 years of me than with a day with by Brian and my Bean!!!

(I have to include random things on these blogs that I don't want to forget . . . and today it's the way she acts when she's sleepy . . . burying her head in my chest, rubbing her glasses (used to be her eyes) . . . she's so stinking cute! And, in the car, when I ride in the back with her, she holds my finger when she sleeps - she was GREAT in the car to and from Oxnard today - a total of about 4 hours in the car. I read her stories, she napped, we talked . . . she's starting to LOVE stories, she smiles at the pictures in the books).

Just an Update . . .

The Bean had a PT session today. We are still waiting on the Regional Center to assign us a permanent case worker and service providers (we know Sam was accepted to the early intervention program, but now we wait for services). In the meantime, Brian and I decided to pay for PT once a week so that we know what things to work with her on at home. Brian commented today that he can tell SUCH a difference in her strength since we've been working with her so much for the last two weeks. It truly does happen in BABY STEPS, so it's easy to get discouraged on a day-to-day basis, but looking over time, he's right --- she's stronger.

I go back to work on Monday, and the nanny doesn't start until June 22, so she'll be in daycare until that time. I'm going to try to work with her each morning so she's still getting the one-on-one time. And, I'll have to take off work for her PT appointments or work from home those days. She still has more eye appointments, but Brian is going to take off and take her to those.

This weekend is my THIRTIETH birthday!!! I've been kind of quiet about it . . . with all the chaos lately, I just want a nice quiet weekend with my two favorite people. We are driving a few hours north to the California Strawberry Festival on Saturday, and Sunday we are just going to try a new place for lunch . . . a mellow weekend. I'm kind of indifferent about my birthday. On one hand, I'm in a perfect place at 30 -- where I thought I'd be (lawyer, married to my best friend) and then some (in LA, with a baby!). I couldn't ask for any more! On the other hand, I still can't believe I'm 30 . . . really!!! Where did time go? I used to think 30 was OLD!!! But, life is good!!!

the Bean's First Fever :o(

My little bean has her first fever . . . she was crabby last night and woke up a couple times during the night (which she never does). She felt really warm, so at 5 am, I took her temperature. It was only 100.9, so not terrible, but a low fever. I gave her some tylenol, and took her to bed with me, and we slept until 8 am. She's been pretty lethargic today, but eating, and smiling, so her pediatrician said no need to bring her in unless I wanted to. I slept in her floor next to her crib last night!!!

This was not my first time sleeping there -- I slept there the first night she slept in her own room. (Brian asked, "why -- we have the monitor?" and I just said, "don't ask why, just let me do this." and he did!). I also slept there for a week when she had RSV (a bad cold, but can be serious with premies/infants). I have quite the set-up I drag out for floor sleeping, so it's not bad, and I find a great deal of comfort in being that close to her when she may need me.

I may be crazy . . . but I'll probably end up there again tonight! Poor little bean! Hope she's all better tomorrow.

Big Girl!!!

Sam was a tiny little pea when she was born -- only 5 lb, 15 oz. (That's somewhere around the 5th percentile?). Now, she's our big bean --- about 19 lbs, and in the 75th percentile. That's a lot of growing!!!! It's incredible!!! I remember when we first put her in her swing, she barely filled out the bottom, and she would topple over, so we had to put towels around her. Now, she fills it up, just like she fills up her car seat! Amazing!!! The pic of her above -- with the blanket over her -- is from this week, the others are from months ago. She's really a big girl now!!

My first mother's day!!!

We had a fabulous day. Brunch at the restaurant where Brian and I got married just over three years ago, then we came home and I read "Mama's Day Surprise" to Samantha (pictured above) and we took a nap together. Then all three of us (plus Dude) went for a walk. It was a GREAT first mother's day!!!!

I hope someday I can convey to Samantha how much she adds to my life . . . how her little smile lights up my world, how I never knew something so little could make my heart feel SO huge . . .

My first MAMA's Day!!!

I didn't think I'd be THIS excited for my first mother's day, but I totally am. Probably in part because of all the good news of the week. PLUS, we found our nanny today :o) - a friend/co-worker no longer needs her nanny, so she's going to come work for us. We LOVE her. The last nanny I interviewed I felt had maybe a little to strong of a personality. I think she was highly qualified, and could do the job, but she wasn't all that warm. And, I think she would do things "her" way as opposed to "our" way which just isn't okay with me. The one we hired, on the otherhand, is SUPER warm and nurturing, and I think, will totally feel like part of our family. I think having a nanny is going to make such a difference in all three of our lives -- we will have more flexibility, we won't have to get the Bean out the door in the mornings, we won't have to do the drive to the daycare (which was out of our way), AND most importantly, the Bean is going to get the one-on-one she needs in between her bi-weekly physical therapy!!! She's going to blossom :o) We are all VERY excited!!!! Brian and I usually have to really talk things out like this . . . but this nanny, we knew on the spot, both of us LOVED her. Plus, we have the benefit of her having been "tried and tested" by my friend - which is HUGE!! We have to be a little (or a lot) tighter with our money to afford this, but it's going to be SO worth it. (I dread telling daycare, but I have to believe they'll understand).

We also just had a fabulous weekend overall - (and it's only halfway over) - dinner with friends last night at our house - they have a baby girl three months older than our Bean (their's is crawling all over the place, so it reminded us of all we have to look forward to!); and brunch with more friends at our place this morning before our last two nanny interviews. A great weekend for all of us - Sam LOVES new people. She just stares at them SO intently. She was up late last night even, and was still great today, though she was a little harder to get to sleep tonight.

So, tomorrow morning for my mother's day I am sleeping in and then getting up and getting all dressed up (in new dresses for me AND the Bean) and we are going to brunch at the restaurant where Brian and I got married three years and two months ago :o) I'm excited to take pictures in the very spot Brian and I took pictures on our wedding day . . . now there are THREE!!

Here's a mother's day poem that a friend sent me . . . so much of it really sums up the STRONG emotions I've been feeling . . . my heart HAS been on my sleeve lately!

Before I was a Mom, I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom, I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom, I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom, I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom .

Celebrate good news!!!

Today was the neurologist appointment . . . and we got GOOD news. The neurologist thinks there's NOTHING neurologically wrong with our bean!!! She's just a premie with some quirks ;o) And, her gross motor delay (and the abnormal movements noted by the PT) are connected to her vision. She's still getting used to the glasses, we know she may need stronger ones, etc. The neurologist thinks with the PT she's starting that by age 2 or 3, Sam will be all caught up with her peers, and all these little quirks will work themselves out!!!! FABULOUS news!!! She does want us to see ANOTHER opthamologist (this will be our 3d -- a neuro-opthamologist that she feels like is better at addressing the sort of accommodative vision behaviors that can be problematic later on).

I was a nervous wreck before the appointment -- I left super early b/c I needed to get out of the house, and Sam and I just walked around Beverly Hills for a bit before the appointment. When we finally got into the office, I felt myself get hot all over, and I sat there a total wreck with Sam until Brian got there. The doctor was super warm, super knowledgeable, and super thorough. I left there feeling like a 10 ton brick had been lifted off of me. And, even better, everything she said was 100% consistent with what our own pediatrician had said (which is also reassuring).

Couple more "to-do's" - the new opthamologist, PT 2 x per week, etc., but our little bean is just fine!!! I had a skip in my step when we left there, and tonight we all walked out to dinner on the ocean to celebrate. I snapped the picture above on our walk back. Not the best pic, but all I had was my blackberry and we were trying to hurry. Even Sam was in a fabulous mood tonight -- everytime I looked at her at dinner, she giggled!!! I can't imagine anything better :o)

I'm likely taking just one more week off work to deal with the eye doctor, starting PT, interviewing the nannies, etc., but life is feeling PERFECT at this moment. Minor inconveniences on our way to conquering the world!!!!

(Oh and I also came home to a fabulous package from one of my nearest and dearest, which included a pink t-shirt that says, "What are you looking at four eyes?" for the bean . . . . GREATEST T-SHIRT EVER.)

And all is right with the world!

All good news from neurologist . . . details to follow - we are headed out to dinner to celebrate a HUGE weight off our shoulders!

Twas the night before . . .

Finally caught Sam on film holding her own bottle!!!! She's only been doing this for a few days, and it's touch and go. I think she figures why hold it herself if we'll hold it ;o) Usually when she does it, we act so proud of her and smile and say "good job Samantha," and she smiles a HUGE smile, gets distracted, and drops the bottle. So, tonight when she held it herself and Brian let go, we didn't say anything. She kept it in her mouth, but seemed quite pleased with herself!!!

My bean was SOOOOO good at the ophthamologist today and I LOVED this doctor. He thinks her eyes are still crossing a bit because the other doctor got her prescription just a little wrong. I have to say, this exam was MUCH MUCH more thorough. Turns out they can't fully dilate babies' eyes in the office because the usual drops for that are way too strong. He measured her prescription today, but before we change the glasses, we are going to dilate them at home with drops (over the course of two days) and take her back for another exam . . . this doctor seems like the type that leaves no stone unturned. So, we will do that in two weeks.

Tomorrow is the neurologist. Of course, I'm anxious. I just want it to hurry up and get here. I'll be a disaster tomorrow morning. Brian is leaving work early and meeting us at the doctor's office. I'm also interviewing another nanny tomorrow, and I'm super hopeful about this one . . . she was recommended by an OT, has cared for premature twins, etc. After interviewing one, I also feel better equipped to interview now -- I even have my list of questions.

Not much more to say. I'm a ball of nerves tonight, and just anxious for the neurologist appointment to hurry up and get here (2:45 PST).

Anxiety!

So, we interviewed one nanny today, but she only is available Mondays and Wednesdays. We thought about doing a nanny two days a week, and then day care the others -- we LOVE our daycare, and Sam LOVES it. But, I know she spends a lot of time laying under the little play gym or in the bouncy chair there. I don't fault them - it's inevitable with so many kids to look after, and we knew that going in. For most kids, that's fine. Plus, she gets tons of stimulation from all the other kiddos at daycare. But, lately, we just think Sam needs more one-on-one care from someone who will do her physical therapy exercises with her. The daycare says they will, but I feel like that's asking a lot . . . and on a hectic, crazy day I can't be sure it will actually happen. So, I posted an ad on my citymommy group looking for a nanny that has experience with kids that need extra special care. The one we interviewed today currently works right down the street with an autistic little boy and has been through the regional center process with them. I liked her, but Brian thinks if we are going to do a nanny we might as well do it full-time. I agree. But, again . . . it kills me to take her out of her daycare. Daycares are HARD to find in LA. Anyway, an occupational therapist on my citymommy group recommended another nanny, and I'm interviewing her Thursday. We shall see. She's available full-time.

Meanwhile, I just sat down with our budget and calculated what we can afford to pay a nanny. Holy schmokes. LA is expensive. But, we'll make it happen if we need to. We've been GREAT about not eating out lately anyway, and that saves us a fortune. Pre-Sam we ate out every night!

I'm taking the Bean for a second opinion on her eyes tomorrow. I trust the other doctor's professional judgment, just didn't find him warm and fuzzy . . . so I'd like a second opinion if there's a chance surgery will be required. Just looking out for my bean! I actually initially couldn't get an appointment with this doctor until June, but they called today to say they had a cancellation, so we are going in. After that, I'm taking her into daycare just for a couple of hours. The owner called me today to say "bring her in for a few hours. It's good for her and good for you, and we miss her!" (SEE - I LOVE THEM). So, I'm going to . . . and I'm meeting a friend for lunch (one of the most upbeat-glass-half-full kinda women I know, which is exactly what this glass-half-empty girl needs right now!)

And, finally, still anxious about the neurologist on Thursday. But, for whatever reason (perhaps the beautiful weather today, my two fabulous walks with Bean and Dude, and the fact that after only 4 days of working with Sam on her new PT exercises, I can feel her gaining strength, or the multitude of encouraging emails/calls I keep getting from my friends that know me so so well and know exactly what I need to hear) a peace came over me today . . . there's no news we could possibly get that could change a thing. I don't know . . . I guess today my glass is half full for once!!!

Lazy Sunday

I'm still freaking out. Thursday (the neurologist appt) can't come fast enough. I'm a roller coaster . . . one minute, I look at her and just know that everything is going to be fine, and then the horrible "what if's" creep in the next minute. How do you stop that?

In spite of me being a mess, the three of us had a nice day - grocery shopping in the morning (with Sam in the carrier on my chest), a walk in the afternoon, lots of naps together.

After our walk, I took her out of the carrier and laid her on the couch on a blanket while I took the carrier off me. She was WIPED out and stayed sleeping like this, glasses and hat on, for 30 minutes. Oh and the second pictures, she's sound alseep . . . her favorite place to nap -- on a boppy in one of our laps.

She's so beautiful. She HAS to be okay! Has to has to has to. I am trying to keep myself together. I don't want Brian to feel like he has to take care of me. I know he's worried about me, and I feel like that's not fair . . . but I don't know how not to worry like this! He let me sleep in this am, and got up with the Bean. I love watching him with her. I love being the "three" of us. Nothing has ever felt so wonderful and right. I just want Thursday to come . . . and to have some answers!

PT Begins . . . and the Roller Coaster Continues

We had Sam's first PT appointment . . . and it didn't go as well as expected . . . the PT said there were some abnormal things about Sam's movement and suggested we see a neurologist just to rule anything neurological out. Of course, I immediately started crying . . . you never want to hear "neurological" in connection with your child! So, yesterday was a terrible day. I made an appointment with a neurologist for next week, and now we just have to wait (the WORST part). I talked to my work, and am taking a few weeks off to be with Sam, get her to doctor's appointments, etc. I HATE WAITING. I HATE WORRYING. I was pretty much a sobbing mess most of yesterday . . . and didn't have it in me to blog.

Brian stayed home from work today to be with me and Sam - we just needed a family day. I also talked to Sam's pediatrician. I called her to ask for a pediatric neurologist recommendation, and she said she REALLY has never suspected anything neurological, and that she wants me to just relax. So, I'm trying. TRYING. But, there's still the wait until the appointment, and likely then a wait for any tests that the doctor orders, etc. I've been a mess . . . I'm just scared.

Brian is still being a rock. He told me tonight that he's not worried b/c it doesn't matter what the results are --- Sam is still the best thing we've ever done, and she absolutely lights up our world, and that's all that matters. *Sigh* We love Brian!

I've also gotten so many sweet emails from friends -- THANK YOU! Really, I have some fabulous women in my life that always know the right thing to say! My dad (a total man's man that doesn't always deal well with emotions ;o)) also sat on the phone with me last night while I sobbed so much I was giving myself the hiccups . . . good daddy! And, one of Brian's co-workers came over today and made lunch for us . . . grilled cheese . . . yummy yummy comfort food. It was exactly what I needed. I can't eat when I'm stressed, and hadn't eaten in a day and a half (since the PT appt), so it was exactly what I needed --- someone to make food, put it in front of me and say, "eat."

After a day laying around the house and visiting with our friend, me, Brian and Sam took a mini- road trip to a pizza place about an hour away -- it was nice just to drive, and go out. The bean even got to stay up late, and we didn't have any freak outs! It remains to be seen what her mood will be like tomorrow . . .

Regardless of the results of the neuro stuff, Sam does have low muscle tone, so we need to continue PT so she can gain the strength to do all the fun stuff life has in store for her -- sitting up, crawling, etc. Brian and I are wondering if daycare is the best choice for her -- we recognize that with 25 other kids to watch after -- even though our daycare is fabulous and we love them -- she just can't get the kind of one-on-one attention she may need. So, we may start interviewing nannies. It will be expensive, and we'll have to really re-work our budget, but if its best for her, then we'll figure it out.

In the meantime, we made a trip to Toys R Us today to get all the toys the PT recommended . . . little toys that give Sam something to prop herself on so she can practice her sitting, and a big exercise ball for more tummy time so she can work on her chest muscles and head control. She loves when we roll her around on the floor on the ball! Brian puts her on it and pushes her toward me, I kiss her head, she smiles, he pushes back, then repeats! (that's one of the pics above, the other is her propping herself on Brian and we put her knees like that -- trying to show her all the ways her body can work and build her strength in the process). I MAY be in denial, but the PT did say that vision drives motor development. I REALLY believe (and mom's have hunches right?) that her lack of movement and use of her body is partly due to the fact that her vision was SO bad. I believe that, and that gives me a great deal of hope, but I'm still scared.

She's a beautiful little girl. It KILLS me to think she may have to struggle in life . . . . but Brian is right though, it doesn't matter. We have to enjoy every single day, and just hope for the absolute best for her and do everything in our power for her (and of course, there's absolutely no question that we will). She's our bean after all!