Sunday, January 5, 2014

Tickled Pink

I'm determined to post more in this new year than I have the past few months.  I think I've had an epiphany the last few weeks (home! no work! down time! do you hear the angels singing?! our nanny needed two weeks off and the stars aligned that I was able to stay home and barely work at all.  It was everything that I needed). 

In the downtime, I've realized something that I hope will serve me well in 2014 and beyond . . .

I keep waiting for things to get less complicated.  For it -- life -- to get easier.  For there to be less to do.  Less to worry about.  For my to-do list to not overwhelm me (or for a day without one).  For marriage to feel easy and breezy, and not like a constant work-in-progress.  Waiting and waiting and waiting.  I'll have some future deadline or event in my head and think "after x, things will be easier" or "after x, I'll be able to get y done, and then, it'll be easier."  After the new school year starts, after I make partner, after after after.  But the event or my artificial deadline comes and goes, and nothing is really any easier, and the to-do list never, ever seems to shrink.  (P.S. Big news - I made partner in my law firm in 2013, but guess what?!  I still work my rear off.  Not easier.).  

Or just as things feel less complicated or even a little easier for some brief time, something happens that adds to my to-do list or gives me some new worry (and let's be real, "worry" is practically my middle name, it is who I am).  A therapist suggests some new "thing" for me to research, I have an unexpected trip out of town for work, someone mentions another school to check out, we get an insurance denial for something (that winds up costing us a fortune), etc. etc. etc.  Something always needs tweaking.  I see glimpses of friends' lives via social media or whatever, and somehow, it looks like their lives are so easy and effortless.  You know, friends with just as many (or more) kids than I have, made up, dressed up, having dates nights, their kids' hair looking neater than mine, their houses bigger or more perfect, whatever, and I think "when is it going to get easier? when will it be less complicated? when will it be our turn for 'easy'?"

But here's the thing (the epiphany).  Things aren't getting easier. But every single day, the joy and the love in this house, this family, this life, multiples.  I didn't know it was possible to love these two girls anymore than I did, but yet, every day, they amaze me with their giggles, their love for each other, the things they say (oh!!! the things they say!!!), all of it.  I must smile hundreds of times each day, because of them.  And every single day, my heart seems to grow 1000x times.  I never, ever, ever could have guessed this story would be ours.  Never could have dreamed it.  Couldn't have fathomed the amount of love and joy and giggles and goodness this life would bring.  Or that it would just grow and grow and grow and grow and multiply 1000x a day.  

Couldn't have dreamed it.  So, even in the midst of complicated, and endless to-do lists, it just keeps getting better.  Not easier, but better.  And that's what matters. 

I wouldn't trade this life for anything in the world. 

So, my New Year's resolution?  To stop waiting for the "easier," and instead, just relish in what is.  Because what "is" is pretty stinking fabulous. 

Couldn't have guessed this life.  Couldn't have dreamed this life.  Wouldn't trade this life.  For anything. 

For this little family of mine?   I am so lucky to be theirs.   So, so lucky.  They tickle me pink.  

This life of mine is a blessed one.  This family amazing.  And I wouldn't trade it for all the "easy" in the world.  Not a chance.  I'm one lucky mama, and these two little girls make me a better person every single day, and even on the days I'm not the mama I strive to be, I fall asleep full of so much love and joy and determined to do even better the next day.  For they deserve no less.

So forget coveting or dreaming about easy, for I'll take this.  I'll take them.  Over and over and over.  

* * *

And these pictures?! Could anyone have captured our family any better?

Do you see the love in these pictures?  The melt-my-heart, I wouldn't trade this life for anything, love?  Captured by my sweet friend H, from Capturing Motherhood.  Another sweet blessing.   (You can see some higher resolution versions of these images if you click on the link because, well, H does fancier stuff with her blog than I know how to do!)

* * * 

Forgive my lapse in posting, and please, please keep coming back.  I think 2014 has a lot in store for this little family, and I can't wait to share it with you.