Tuesday, September 22, 2009

In a Funk

I'm in a funk. And, I feel guilty and angry at myself for being in a funk because its the Bean's birthday week. There's no sadness at birthdays. So, I'm trying to pull myself out of the funk, and I may be succeeding. Some possible reasons for said funk:

- I'm tired. Not sure if this is a symptom or a cause. It seems no matter how much sleep I get, I'm still tired. Of course, last week, I went one night with NO sleep, so maybe I just can't make up for that now. Not sure, but I am dragging. I FINALLY followed up with the endocrinologist I saw after I broke my foot during maternity leave and had the "troublesome" bone density scan results. I have a severe vitamin D deficiency, so I'm starting a blast of vitamins (8 week period of really high dosage). I'm hoping this gives me some more energy. I also decided that as much as I WANT to do the red-eyes when I fly for work, so I don't miss bedtime with bean and can do that then walk out the door, its just not good for me . . . I feel like crap for days after a red-eye.

- Last week, on my flight to Cincinnati, a girl (18-years-old) in the row in front of me died. In flight. She obviously had struggled to stay alive her entire life (she had multiple birth defects, and from listening to her mom, who was with her, she was never expected to even live 18 years). Her family (brother, mom, dad, and grandmother) were traveling with her for medical care. And, while we were in flight, she stopped breathing. I watched as a physician and 5 nurses on board did CPR for a half hour before we landed (unscheduled). I held the IV bag as they started the IV on her. I watched as her skin went from peachy to blue to white. I watched as life slipped away from her, and even worse, I watched as her family watched as her life slipped away from her. All I wanted to do after that flight was come home and hold Sammie B and to be with her and B, but instead, I made it through my quick trip to Cincinnati, and made it home. But, there have been passing moments in my day where I cannot help but conjure up those images from the plane, and think about that family.

- When I feel in a slump like this, my glass-half-empty outlook on life rears its ugly ugly head. And, so this week, the week of Sammie B's first birthday, I find myself feeling a little defeated, thinking about how we are in such a different place at this birthday than we thought we'd be. Last week, at a birthday party for a friend's kid, once again, someone asked if Sam was crawling, and I said, "no, she's a little behind," and I got the lecture about how I should thank my lucky stars . . . b/c once she's crawling "my life is over." I refrained from telling her about the three therapy sessions Sam gets each week, or how hurtful her comment (which I know she meant to be helpful) actually was. I know there is growth in struggle, but today, I just feel tired of struggling. Somedays (many days), I just wish things were easier for her. Through our journey, I've started reading several other blogs of moms with special needs kids, and one theme I see is throughout them is "I wish things were easier for her/him." None of us would change WHO our children are, but we just wish they didn't have to struggle. And, that's where I am today. And,I kick myself for feeling this way. For the worry I let creep in, the feelings of defeat, etc.I am mad at myself.

- I debated about writing about the way I'm feeling, because it is, after all, Sam's birthday week, and I'm supposed to be in celebratory mode, but I started this blog for myself, to help sort out feelings, and I'd only be doing myself a disservice if I didn't own up to these feelings too.

And, to end on a positive note (because sometimes, the glass-half-empty girl in me needs a royal kick in the ass, and a reminder to think more positively!) Sam's birthday is going to be fabulous. We have nearly 50 people coming over to celebrate the Bean's first year in this world. It hasn't been an easy year, and we still have a lot of work to do, but we will keep on keeping on!

1 comment:

Elisa said...

Oh Alli.... I am only just reading this blog entry now. What a traumatic experience for all involved. I know I would be a basket case for weeks at the very least after witnessing something like that. It would make anyone want to wrap their arms around their loved ones and never let go. Even harder when you're on a trip away from your family.

I know you want so much for things to be easy for bean. But one thing to think of.... it's harder for you than it is for her. She has no idea that she is "supposed" to be crawling by now. She isn't concerned with time tables and milestones. Have you seen her face lately? Look at that pic on your blackberry again. That girl is living life to its fullest and loving every minute! Happiest baby on the planet! I wish I smiled that big as often as she does!

We are all so proud of her... of you guys. It's been a tough year, I'm sure. But it's also been so rewarding (even from the outside looking in) to see you all grow, to see you blossom as a family, to watch Sammie grow up and develop her awesome personality further. I don't feel sorry for that grinning monkey one bit. She is living the life! And lucky you guys... she's letting you come along for the ride. :)