Monday, August 8, 2011

Not Easy. Not Rosy.

I can't tell you how many blogs I read that make EVERYTHING look rosy and easy . . . parenting, working, balancing life (e.g. the whole work-life balance), marriage, etc. Frankly, I'm not sure why I keep reading them. I think for the pure annoyance factor. Anyway, I KNOW no one has a life of all roses, and that blogs don't always represent the UPS and DOWNS of life, but some blogs might give you the impression that life is all rosy, all easy, all the time.

For me, I really started this blog to help me work through (and share) our journey through this life with Sammie B. That includes juggling all her therapies, the appointments (the magic and giggles too!) in the midst of a life of two working parents (both of whom happen to be fiercely independent and stubborn as all get-out). I tend to blog when (1) things are great and I want to share Sammie B's lateest magic moment or (2) I'm struggling. So, I think you can generally find a good taste of the UPS and DOWNS here. But sometimes, when I blog during the down times, I worry about coming across as a negative nelly. But here's the deal . . . this is my blog. Truly, it is kind of like my therapy. So, "owning" the hard times, when things are far from easy or rosy and talking about them on here, helps me.

So here goes.

I think I've cried more in the last three days than I have since the day (over a month ago) that I got put on bed rest for this pregnancy.

I'm lonely. I feel like I'm on lock down. B has been working non-stop, and while I truly, truly understand what it is like to have to work late and work weekends and wish you didn't and to feel tons of work pressure, the timing is just craptastic. This is a rare turning of the tables for us - usually, it is me that gets slammed with work, and him that has to pick up the slack at home (though that's never happened when he's supposed to be on doctor-ordered "light duty"). So, I get it. I do. But, I kind of feel like he's treating my "light duty/reduced schedule/modified bed rest" as an accomodation for HIS busy schedule. My doctor did NOT sign papers certifying me for medical leave so that I could be home to accomodate B's need to work late. He signed them so I could rest. Because I need to rest. And, frankly, I'm getting very little of that. Dislike.

A LOT of things in our life are a little overwhelming right now . . . the pregnancy, Sam's transition to preschool, B's work load, my own worries about what this bed rest/medical leave thing is going to mean for my career long-term (hopefully nothing). But, I can't help but feel like because he's working all the time, EVERYTHING is falling on me, and that all he's got to worry about (or all he is worrying about) is work. And, it sucks. As much as I'd like to believe this gestating business (and getting this baby to full-term) is a "team" thing, it isn't feeling that way right now. I'm the one with the uterus after all.

He's still going to work every day. And, I feel like I'm on some weird pseudo-lock down. Where I'm only supposed to work 20 hours a week, but that's not enough time to do a good job on anything that's on my work plate, so I feel like I'm having to choose between feeling like a constant failure at my job or feeling like I'm cheating the "light duty" rules to do better work, and then worrying about the consequences of either . . . I'm doing projects at home, but I miss feeling like part of a "team" at work too.

As I mentioned, we had a crazy week last week with many appointments (updates on those to come) and I did every one of those appointments without B. I tried unloading SOME of the worry about that stuff (and Sam's upcoming IEP) on B, and his reaction was, "she'll get what she needs, from school, from us, from whatever therapies we have to supplement with. She'll get what she needs. I'm not worried." While his "not worried" is generally always comfort to me, this time, truthfully, it infuriated me. Because she'll get what she needs if SOMEONE plans it. It's not going to just happen. NO one is going to hand us the magic schedule of her new therapies or her new schedule. NO one else is going to tour the preschools and try to find the one that fits. And, the school district sure as hell does not have our girl's best interests in mind. They have the bottom line - funding - in mind. So, yeah, she'll get what she needs. If SOMEONE looks into the private therapies, rearranges things, etc. And who is that SOMEONE? ME. So, I feel like while "not worried" is nice and reassuring, and all that jazz, right now, it'd be nice if I wasn't the only one worrying and arranging and scheduling and rearranging and researching and thinking and oh my.

I just feel a tad taken for granted. And lonely.

Sammie B and I had tons of quality time this weekend, which was (of course) fab. And, she's in "mama-mama-mama" mode, which I love. Love.

But, I feel lonely. I miss work. I miss my husband. I miss feeling like part of a team, at work and at home. And this weekend, I kind of just wished - since Sammie B and I were spending the weekend solo (and staying home and NOT doing is NOT my strength)- that we could go DO SOMETHING. Hop a plane to St. Louis to see my mom, hit Disneyland. SOMETHING. But, then, I'd be violating the "light duty" rules, and I can't do that any more than necessary. So, we made the most of our weekend. A quiet morning on Saturday watching "Annie," and then an indoor picnic at home. A quiet morning sitting on the beach with a friend and her daughter on Sunday. Not a bad weekend in all, I KNOW. But still, I just feel a little captive. And alone.

Anyway, so this is a blog post about one of the "not easy, not rosy" times. Right now, life just feels hard. Marriage feels hard. And by admitting that and owning it, I'm not saying my marriage is in trouble (it's not - he did bring me chocolate cake home after he worked all day yesterday, after all). It just means that, well, our right now isn't all roses. That doesn't mean there isn't "rosy" in between. There is. And, I'm hopeful that this week brings more roses, less tears.


Dinei said...

Oh, honey. I'm so sorry, bed rest blows. That stress plus the strain of special needs parenting on a marriage can really do a number on you.

Definitely hard times over here as well, though things are looking up since my last Big Talk with my husband. I haven't blogged too much about it because I know it would upset and panic him more than he already is. It's been tough though, since that's easily the biggest problem in my life over the last 7 months.

So I can't blog about it in good conscience, but if you want someone to compare notes or commiserate with, I'm here. I'll try to shoot you an email soon, or maybe connect over the MILP digest?

JenandTony said...

I'm so sorry you're going through all this right now! I wish I had something wise to say, but all I can do is agree that, yes, it's friggin hard. Any single ball of the millions you're juggling right now (special needs kid, pregnant, two working parents, new school, husband that has to work late, career worries, bed rest, etc etc etc) would send any normal human being into a weepy mess. I'm amazed at the grace and honesty you have while juggling every.single.ball at the same time. Hang in there mamma, you're doing an amazing job.


Butterflyfish said...

Gonna just have to ditto Jen.

As far as the rosy/easy blogging, part of the reason I can't blog about the hard stuff honestly is because my husband reads the damn blog, and when the "marriage hard"/"taken for granted" things hit, it makes the rest of everything soooooo much more difficult.

Hang in there.

Sebrina said...

I also have a husband that says "Don't worry"! So hard sometimes!

Attorney At Large said...

I'll second/third/fourth what everyone else has said. Bed rest sucks. When I was admitted for observation with Pea and my husband was lobbying hard for me to be on bedrest at home (he is an RN and could have looked after me) I was just honest with the doc and said, you know, I just wouldn't stay in bed at home, sorry. As much as I hated the f-ing hospital.

And it drives me nuts to not blog the taken for granted stuff, but like BF said, the husband reads it. Sigh.

Hugs. Hoping it passes quickly. You're doing one hell of a balancing act, but it will all come together, somehow. It always seems to.

Melissa said...

For my first, I was on bed rest for the last 2-3 weeks of my pregnancy because of preeclampsia. I had gone into the ER for bleeding at 35 weeks and was put on bed rest. I ended up delivering at 38 weeks via emergency c-section. Not so fun. I hated bed rest. I hated being alone everyday with nothing but daytime tv and the internet (which was ok the first, um, maybe two days). So I totally get that.

I sometimes blog about the hardness of my life - the balancing and the stress - but I worry also about offending someone in my family that I love whether that be my husband or my parents or sister or my in laws, all of whom I get try in their own way. As a lawyer, I also don't/can't blog about my job because of the ethical issues surrounding it, so while I may have a ton of stress from that, I can't use the blog to release it.

That being said, I will be thinking of you and praying for you. I think that you'll get through it - it will be hard, but it does always seem to come together somehow, someway. We are pretty resilient beings...

Anonymous said...

Well, I read your entire blog today while I was "working." I cried, laughed and cried again. Being a Type A myself, I can relate to EVERYTHING you went through. Unfortunately, I'm at the start of my journey and won't bore you with the details but I'll say this. As you once felt, if I have to endure one more mindless, heartless, stupid mother tell me "you'll be sorry you rushed her to walk when she's into everything and you can't keep up."

Dear Lord, how utterly clueless can another mother be?!

I would give a kidney and more to watch my little girl dart across the room like a maniac and relish the idea of having to chase her down.

As for your current state, ugh! I'm so sorry you're on bedrest. It must be awful. But I'm wishing you a very healthy continued pregnancy and even healthier newborn who will run and jump and keep you on your toes. And I know you'll never complain. The biggest hugs to that beautiful Sammie - she's magnificent!