I've found myself backsliding into a place of worry and wonder lately, so desperately wishing for a crystal ball. But I know there isn't one, and that I HAVE to learn to live in the moment.
In the PRESENT. More than that, to be PRESENT in the PRESENT. I struggle with this so much. I am, by my very nature, a worrier. I'm also a person that takes the highs and lows of life a little harder and a little more intensely than others. I've ALWAYS struggled with that. So, as I feel myself falling into one of the lows, where all I want to do is sleep, where I have so little motivation to do much of anything, I'm desperately desperately trying to just be PRESENT in the PRESENT. Indeed, that's sort of become my new mantra. When I find myself sliding into a place of worry or fear, I say to myself, "present," and I really, really, really just try to be PRESENT wherever I am . . . whether it is at work, or with Sam, or whatever. Not always easy, but I'm working on it.
Because of my funk, I asked my mom to come for a visit last weekend, and she did. On four days notice. I love her and am so so lucky to have her as my mom and my friend. B was out of town, so Sammie B and Gigi and I had a girls weekend, complete with pedicures. It was just what I needed. I enjoyed every second of it.
Sam is making constant progress. She amazes me and makes me proud every single day. She's got an ever-increasing vocabulary, and is slowly starting to put two words together occasionally (I got a "bye mama" this morning before I left for work). In speech therapy, we continue to work on improving articulation and pronunciation, but her speech therapist is just THRILLED with her vocabulary, as am I. Her balance is slowly improving, and she recently pulled to stand on her rocking horse (!). One of my favorite things to do lately is just put her in the floor and watch her new-found ability to just explore on her own. Through her combined butt scootching, rolling, pivoting, etc., the little girl can get around . . . and it is just so amazing to watch her as she figures out the world (and goes into hiding!).
She is also, at her core, the most LOVING little creature ever. When B got home Sunday night, after being away for 5 days, she wrapped her arms around his neck and just squeezed and squeezed him. She kept pulling away, looking at him and saying, "Dada!" and then going back in for another squeeze. Love just oozes from that little girl. When Gigi was here this weekend, she kept grabbing Gigi's hand and kissing it. PURE LOVE. And at the end of the day, she always falls asleep hugging her baby dolls. She fights sleep and fights sleep, but then the moment comes where she finally wraps her arms around her baby, sighs as if all is right with the world, and goes to sleep. And that's just how I feel about her. . . like when I wrap my arms around her, the worry and wonder dissipate, and all is right with my world. And I want to grab onto that feeling and never let it go . . .
I owe it to my Sammie B (and to me and to B for that matter!) to be PRESENT in the PRESENT, and I'll keep working on it till I get it right.