Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Mama Monday

When Sam first started physical and occupational therapy, we scheduled them so that I could go to one appointment of each every week. As we added things to her life (hippotherapy, her preschool program) that became harder and harder. Her hippotherapy is not close by, so we scheduled that on my day off work so that I could take her, and we had to rearrange the other appointments. As a result, I haven't gotten to go to her PT/OT appointments in quite awhile. It is a bummer, and it KILLS me not to be there with her, but it is our life (if I had my way, I'd be at every appointment, but there's only one of me and I HAVE to work to keep a roof over our heads!).

Anyway, Monday, our nanny took the day off, so I spent the entire day with Sammie B. She has THREE appointments on Mondays now, so I got to go to all of them. And, she was a rockstar at all 3. It was good for me . . . to see the progress. To see that we are now working on things in therapy that wouldn't have even been a possibility six months ago. To see how much more she enjoys therapy now that she's stronger, more confident (not a single tear in ANY of the appointments; PT used to be nearly all tears, which just broke my heart every single time).

It was a WONDERFUL day of love and smiles and LOTS and LOTS of hard work, and it was just what I needed.

Exhibits A, B, C, and D of things that were either impossible or much much more difficult six months ago . . .

Seriously, Sammie B, I don't know any little girl who works as hard as you. And does it with a rockstar smile. You light up my world. Every second of every day.

I often think about my "wishes" for Sammie B (these are like my prayers, but in a more secular sense I suppose . . . ). There was a time when my wishes were just "please please let her be able to sit independently." Then we got there. Then, I just wanted her to have SOME form of mobility. Then we got there (hello ROLL! hello butt scootch!). I wanted MORE words. And they came. Thinking of the wishes I've had for her that have now come true feels so so good. It is a good reminder that the progress and the inchstones are happening. Every single day. But, I hate that when I think of those things, I instantly start thinking about my next "wishes." Because, the truth is, I still have lots of worries and lots of wishes (one of my greatest ones continues to be her balance - on top of her low-tone, Sammie B has terrible balance, and I worry that this is her greatest obstacle to standing independently and walking) . . . but I keep reminding myself . . . "I wished for X, and then we got there."

I hate that I feel like I'm constantly wishing for "more," like what Sammie B is doing RIGHT now isn't enough. I fear that she could read this one day and feel like I was never satisfied with her IN THE MOMENT. I'm not even sure how to articulate this fear. It is more of that wanting-to-be-happy-and-content-RIGHT-NOW feeling, to not feel like I'm always wishing and hoping for the next smilestone.

The truth is, my sweet girl, you are enough. You are more than enough. You are more love, more smiles, more light, more joy, more happiness, more magic than I ever ever ever could have imagined. Mama just worries. I never want you to struggle. I want you to have a life where things come easily to you. But, I know that "your life, your path" isn't of my choosing. You are writing an amazing story, and it is yours to write. So while it may not be my strong suit, I am really going to try to sit back and let you write it. I can't wait to see where you will take us, and I promise to always note how far we've come. Because my girl, you are doing so so well. So well. You are a magical little girl. I'm lucky to be your mama.


Anonymous said...

I feel you expect too much of yourself. Pretty much everyone, no matter what the circumstances, deals with this "arrival fallacy." You want your daughter to be able to have a full life and you'd like it to be as painless as possible. There's nothing wrong with that, and you're not selfish for hoping that she (and you along with her) will be able to enjoy things in life that the rest of us take for granted. We ALL struggle with trying to remain in the moment. It's not saying we should give up that struggle and appreciate where we are right now, but I really hope that you can give yourself a little less grief the "wishing." You are a great mom who loves your baby -- just as she is -- more than anything else in the world, and I'm pretty sure that will be the biggest thing that Sammie B takes away from reading your blog someday.

hill said...

I so get you, mama! And I especially love what you wrote at the end to your Sammie b. Xoxo.

Butterflyfish said...

Anon has a point -- you are pretty hard on yourself.

So happy you had a chance to see her progress!