I've said it before, but traveling is definitely one of my least favorite parts of my job. I hate that my work not only takes me away from my family during the regular work-week (and some weekends) but also sometimes for days at a time. Right now I'm at a required four-day training (that doesn't count for my billable hour requirement, but that's another post) AND I have a TON of "real" work to do, including a draft expert report due Friday. So basically, I'm holed up in my room working non-stop every second that I'm not at the actual training, nevermind the fact that we are supposed to be doing tons of training prep work. I'm an unhappy camper. Although I generally love my firm and have sang its praises in terms of being 'BigLaw' but still supporting me in my alternative schedule, these are the times I secretly want to get my resume ready for recruiters (as if I have time to do that). This training is supposed to be a top priority for my firm and the partners are supposed to respect it by not giving associates so much work that they can't focus on the training. So, I'm annoyed, but at the same time, I understand that the partner I'm working with can't change a court-imposed deadline just because the firm's annual associate training is happening. Still though, it sucks.
Anyway, when I travel for work, unlike many of my single or childless colleagues, I rarely get out and see the cities I'm in. I always figure, if I have to be away from Sammie B and Mr. B, I might as well "make it count" and just work, work, work. That way, I can take a breather when I'm home, and have the opportunity to do what I want to do most -- hang with my two favorite people. So, I work much, sleep little, and just bide my time till I get to go home to them! (As an upside though, remember Joe? Well, his mom and I are meeting for dinner, along with another DD mama so I'm going to venture out one time on this little business trip!) I'm super excited to see Lia again and to meet a new friend as well!
In the meantime, in between work work and more work, I keep going through the pictures of my sweet girl in my phone . . . thinking about her magical smile, her magical personality, and all the fabulous things she is doing these days. And I remind myself -- it is the "minute simple moments" (as my dear friend H says) -- the everyday moments - that define our Sammie B and our family. Not the evaluations or the anger or the worry. Those are just distractions. The real stuff is in the everyday moments of reading stories, taking naps, smiling, giggling, hugging and whispering new words. The fabulous everyday moments.
I literally ache for her when I'm away from her -- which is probably the part of my journey in motherhood that has surprised me the most -- that it is possible to love someone so much that your heart HURTS when you are away from them.
After my last post about how I've been feeling so angry, I finally poured my heart out to B a little too. Said the things I haven't been able to say out loud. That I'm mad. That it.is.not.fair. I sobbed on his shoulder. He let me. And I told him . . . that no matter how angry I am (at the universe), I look at my sweet girl, and the anger dissipates. And that there's no one else in the world other than him that I'd rather be on this journey with. That our little family of three is what makes me feel complete and whole.
Just as Max's mom promised it would, Sammie B's magical little smile really does heal me, every single day.
Sweet Bee . . . you heal me. You are magic. Magically wonderfully amazingly you.
And now for some pictures of the magical little Bee, and the everyday moments that melt me.
These moments are what I live for.