I hate being sick. I hate admitting defeat, retreating to bed, and missing out on life. It probably sounds silly, but I really really hate being in bed and feeling like "life" is going on without me. I also have a hard time admitting when I need to stop and rest to get better. But this last week has been a bear. I got a cold. It kept getting worse, until I had (have) no voice and an atrocious cough.
B and I had a date night planned Saturday, and though I KNEW I should have cancelled and B kept saying "we can stay home if you want," I didn't. Because I hate admitting defeat. I hate disappointing and I knew B would be disappointed if I cancelled. This was his belated birthday dinner AND our much much loved nanny was going to care for Sam -- its so rare that we have weekend childcare that we love and adore (and someone who I know gets Sam's "essence" as I like to say . . . someone that just "gets" her; knows her signs; her smiles; her laughs; HER), so I went. I probably wasn't much fun. I couldn't talk a lot, but I tried. I really, really tried to rally.
I finally took myself to the doctor Sunday (I can't deal with making appointments, etc. and THOUGHT I'd be back to business and back at work on Monday so I didn't want to wait) and he gave me an antibiotic but said he thought it was a virus so all I could really do was go to bed and sleep it off. And, so now it's Tuesday, and I still feel crappy. I worked from bed yesterday, and plan to today as well. But it stinks.
I don't like handing Sammie B off to our nanny in the morning and going back to bed, hearing them playing downstairs. I don't like sitting in my jammies all day. I just hate feeling like I'm on "pause" while the rest of the world is not. Melodramatic, maybe, but I've always been this way. I'm also very bad at asking for help, and B isn't always the best at just giving it without being asked (this is part of our venus/mars differences, I'm convinced; we've (I've) been working a lot lately on saying what I mean . . . i.e. no subtle hints when I want him to do things and then being mad that he doesn't, but really, just saying, "can you please do x?") and so being sick magnifies that a ton. I really just want someone to say, "go to bed, I've got everything else." And, I want to be better in like 5 seconds flat, but so far, it hasn't happened.
I also have been keeping my fingers crossed Sam doesn't get sick, but she didn't sleep well last night (nor did I as a consequence) so here's to hoping that was just a fluke. Being sick as a mom REALLY sucks because its hard not to think about how crappy you feel and how horrid it will be if your little one catches it and feels just as crappy. I always feel like I CAN'T miss work when I'm sick because chances are, I'll need (and want!) to stay home with sweet girl when she catches whatever I've had. So fingers crossed for a happy, healthy Turkey Day for this little family.