Sunday, February 21, 2010

Someday at the Park

Yesterday, B had to work all day (we are used to my crazy hours, but him having to work on the weekends occasionally too now that he's switched units at work is turning our world UPSIDE down!), so I took Sammie B to the park. It was supposed to be a fun, light-hearted mama/bean day, but for whatever reason, I got all worried and sad, and sort of let that mood get me down all day. And of course, because I get so little QT with Bean, I kick myself the entire time for letting a "mood" get me down and take anything away from our day together.

Anyway, while at the park, I was snapping pictures of Sammie B and sending them to B . . . and while I noticed (over and over) how many things she was able to do and even good at doing that she couldn't do at that same park three months ago, or six months ago (like sitting in the tunnel by herself) and how absolutely engaged she was with EVERYTHING around her (I couldn't get her to look at me for a picture to save my life, and we know this isn't the usual camera-happy girl we all know and love . . . she was just really into checking EVERYTHING out.)

But, I couldn't help but notice so many little tots Sam's age totting around at the park, mamas chasing them. And as much as I want to focus on the "cans" and the progress, and not the "can'ts," I left the park with a heavy heart, thinking, "I want to be chasing her. I want to chase her. With every fiber of my being, I want to make the 'can'ts' into 'cans' for her." I hate when I have these feelings because I feel like I'm doing HER (and me) a huge disservice. But I wouldn't be being honest with myself if I didn't own these feelings. So, there you have it . . . I got caught up in the "cant's" and the "its not fairs" and ended up at home after the park, crying to B, who gently reminded me that he really and truly believes we'll be chasing her someday.


Cee said...

aww, that must be really hard for you- but definately someday that WILL be you! Just think that while other babies get to the stage where they refuse to be held, you might get extra cuddle time with your baby that other moms would love to have! I learned pretty quickly that I can't let myself compare my children with others... even those it's almost impossible not to!

Proto Attorney said...

Yeah, it's impossible not to compare your kid to other kids, wondering why isn't my kid doing this or that. It's even tougher when you know there's going to be a delay. But she's obviously an awesome kid, and she's come such a long way, making great progress. I know it seems like forever, but Cee's right -- she'll be running around before you know it, so enjoy the snuggly little bean while you can!

Tilly said...

I have been (and still am) in your situation, feeling the same feelings. I used to hate to go to the park or anywhere else w/ Luke where other kids his age were running around and doing so much more.
I joined a moms group in town and would avoid all of the playground playdates. It was just too sad to watch Luke sit on the ground, helpless, but wanting to join in.
It's amazing how much can change in the matter of months though! I know that other kids seem to do things so much faster, but the other posters are correct, we get more "baby" time with our little ones. It gives us time to appreciate them more:)
Sammie will get there with time, patience and hard work.
She is such a cutie pie:)

Elisa said...

You will be chasing her when SHE is ready to be chased. And when that day comes, I hope you have your laces tied! In the meantime, think how much more you have.... those other moms chasing their kids aren't noticing all the amazing changes and every little success the way you do with Sammie B. She's working at her own little pace, thank you very much! And that pace is perfect for allowing you to really absorb the miracle that she is!

marie clare said...

I remember when Ryan could finally sit in one of the parks swings at the grand old age of 18 months I wanted to shout to every mum I saw there "look what he can do, AND hes holding on!!!" , of course I refrained myself for fear of being carted away in a straight jacket, but I know how torturous parks can be for us. Everyone else just seems to be having so much fun.