Yesterday, B had to work all day (we are used to my crazy hours, but him having to work on the weekends occasionally too now that he's switched units at work is turning our world UPSIDE down!), so I took Sammie B to the park. It was supposed to be a fun, light-hearted mama/bean day, but for whatever reason, I got all worried and sad, and sort of let that mood get me down all day. And of course, because I get so little QT with Bean, I kick myself the entire time for letting a "mood" get me down and take anything away from our day together.
Anyway, while at the park, I was snapping pictures of Sammie B and sending them to B . . . and while I noticed (over and over) how many things she was able to do and even good at doing that she couldn't do at that same park three months ago, or six months ago (like sitting in the tunnel by herself) and how absolutely engaged she was with EVERYTHING around her (I couldn't get her to look at me for a picture to save my life, and we know this isn't the usual camera-happy girl we all know and love . . . she was just really into checking EVERYTHING out.)
But, I couldn't help but notice so many little tots Sam's age totting around at the park, mamas chasing them. And as much as I want to focus on the "cans" and the progress, and not the "can'ts," I left the park with a heavy heart, thinking, "I want to be chasing her. I want to chase her. With every fiber of my being, I want to make the 'can'ts' into 'cans' for her." I hate when I have these feelings because I feel like I'm doing HER (and me) a huge disservice. But I wouldn't be being honest with myself if I didn't own these feelings. So, there you have it . . . I got caught up in the "cant's" and the "its not fairs" and ended up at home after the park, crying to B, who gently reminded me that he really and truly believes we'll be chasing her someday.