Saturday, July 25, 2009

Trying to do it all . . .

What a week!!! Things have really picked up at work. Two weeks ago, I picked up another case because I needed it. After that, I had enough work to do. This week, I was asked to work on a new case with the partner that is my absolute favorite to work with, which I can't refuse (b/c I like working with him so much). SO, now . . . two new cases -- more than enough work!!! I'm super busy, but in a good way -- I like what I'm working on and I'm FINALLY feeling back in the lawyer game once again. With that said, I remember people telling me (mostly working moms) during law school that once you are both a career woman and a mom, its like whenever you feel like you are doing a good job at one thing, you always feel like you are doing a shitty job at the other. I always thought that was even a little true when it was just me and B -- when I was kicking ass at work, I usually wasn't being that kick ass of a wife, because, well, there's not enough time in the day to kick ass at everything. I just sort of accepted that, and I think B did too . . . we learned that when the other was super busy at work, we cut them some slack at home, and learned to wait out the natural cycles of the ebb and flow of our careers. But, its much harder to just "accept" now . . . hard to accept feeling like I'm not being a kick ass mama!!! And, its different, she's too little to understand why I get home later or leave earlier or am tireder when I'm here. Having the Bean certainly does add a whole new dimension to the "trying to do it all."

I think I'm doing about as good as anyone could. Mostly this week, I've tried to leave work in time to come home and spend a couple of hours with her before her bedtime. Then, I've just worked more after she's gone to bed. (Yes, this means I'm EXHAUSTED particularly since she's still not sleeping through the night again right now . . . so generally I've been going to sleep at midnight or later and then getting up shortly thereafter to put her pacifier back in and "shhhhh" her back to sleep). Funny --- as I type this, I'm thinking about my evenings . . . rushing in from work in time to play with her before her bedtime and then immediately going to my office at home to do more work and I just realized I couldn't tell you what I've had for dinner a single night this week or even whether I've had dinner, but I can tell you what we've played with each night in our few hours together!!! Good thing Bean still eats dinner from a baby food jar . . . we always have her food on hand!

Today was B's furlough day and I was so sad all day that I was at work and not home with the two of them. I just truly miss them when I'm away and I ache to be with my Bean. I did leave work at 4:30 to come home and play, but then, after her bedtime, had to work again. My hope through all of this is that as Bean grows up, she sees me "doing it all" or at least making my best attempt to do it all and she thinks "wow women can do anything!" Maybe one day, she'll even tell me I made it look easy (as I think my own mom made it look easy to get two kids to their respective dance classes, sports events, etc., maintain an immaculate house, make the MOST DELICIOUS home cooked meals ever, work, get a college degree, etc., all while raising two kids with a husband who often worked in another state!). And, someday, when my Sammie B looks at me, and says, "Mom, how did you do it?" I can tell her how I struggled and wished it were easier and ached for her while I was at work.

So, with this kind of week that I'm having (the kick ass professionally week, but worry that I'm not doing enough in my family-life kinda week), its no wonder that Thursday morning when I was driving to work and the song "In My Daughter's Eyes" came on, I cried and thought of the Bean, and her future, and our future as a family, and wondered exactly what I will be in her eyes. I hope she looks at me and thinks I'm the kind of woman she'd like to be. I hope she looks at me and thinks, "if I'd gotten to pick my mom, I would have picked you." Because, as cheesy at it sounds, I truly do look into my Sammie B's eyes and see who I want to be -- I see the kind of mother and role model that I want to strive to be!!!

In my daughter's eyes I am a hero
I am strong and wise and I know no fear
But the truth is plain to see
She was sent to rescue me
I see who I wanna be
In my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes everyone is equal
Darkness turns to light and the
world is at peace
This miracle God gave to me gives me
strength when I am weak
I find reason to believe
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand
around my finger
Oh it puts a smile in my heart
Everything becomes a little clearer
I realize what life is all about

It's hangin' on when your heart
has had enough
It's giving more when you feel like giving up
I've seen the light
It's in my daughter's eyes

In my daughter's eyes I can see the future
A reflection of who I am and what will be
Though she'll grow and someday leave
Maybe raise a family
When I'm gone I hope you see how happy
she made me
For I'll be there
In my daughter's eyes

[The commentary that goes with each picture above -- the first was Wednesday night when she fell asleep having her last bottle of the evening and I just sat and snuggled her for a bit before taking her up to bed; the second is her with her new beach ball -- they had one at Gymboree when we took her once and she loved it, so I bought one for her, and it was a big hit; the third is this little exercauser-like thing, but with a bumbo-type seat rather than the usual exercauser (which we can't use with her b/c of her low trunkal tone) . . . this one was recommended by our PT, and also a big hit with Sammie B.]

1 comment:

Elisa said...

No question she'd pick you. If she ever questions your commitment, she can read this blog. I think you are amazing. All you do, all you survive, all you accomplish and still smile and blog and hope and dream. I love you!