So I admit, the first few months of this pregnancy were hard for me. I was tired. Like falling over tired. All.the.time. I was nauseous. All.the.time. The nausea medication I took with Sam that proved MIRACULOUS then did nothing to stop the nausea this go-round. I was (to be frank) a little surprised to find myself pregnant and truthfully, a little overwhelmed by it. I had to immediately go off of my anxiety medication, which on top of the nausea, exhaustion, etc., was sort of recipe for a me that was just barely functioning. I worried non-stop about how we'd make it all work. How we'd fit this extra little person into our insanely busy lives. I wondered how on earth I could possibly love any other little creature as much as I love our Sammie B. Overwhelmed.
But now, at almost 20 weeks pregnant, that fog of yuck has (thankfully) lifted. I feel JOY about being pregnant. I love talking to Sammie B about how she's going to be a big sister (to a little sister!) and all the things she'll teach the baby (right now, "eating" and "playing" are her top agenda items). While I'm not necessarily eager to meet this new little one anytime super soon (we'll take full-term please!), the thought of introducing MY girl to our new girl is pretty freaking exciting. Sisters.
When I think about our right now, there are, of course, some things that weigh on my mind. Upcoming doctor's appointments (seems there's always someone to follow up with . . . ), the transition in September from the Early Intervention program to the school district for Sam's services, changes in therapists, the 'what ifs' about the future, etc. The thing is, though, those things sort of "flutter" through my mind occasionally throughout my days. I feel a moment of worry, and I move on. The "what-ifs" that I feel like used to knock me over are just "flutters" these days. And that's good.
As I was driving Sam to her little school the other day and we were happily singing and dancing along with our radio, I felt so incredibly happy. And then I had a moment. One of the fluttery worrying kind of moments. But then, just as soon as it came, it left, and I was back to singing. To happy.
Our days are not always easy. Particularly in weeks like this -- where for the first time in awhile, I'm ridiculously slammed at work (15 hour day yesterday) . . . but then, there are evenings like tonight, where I left work at a decent time, met Sammie B and B for dinner, we laughed and talked over dinner (and B and I finally had the opportunity to chat about our weeks!); we came home and giggled and played together, just the three of us; then I laid with Sammie B until she fell asleep. And, as I laid there with her, watching her little eyelids get heavier and heavier and heavier until she finally gave into sleep and let out her little "I'm asleep" sigh, I thought about our "right now."
And this is what I realized . . . I have my flutters. I have worries. But mostly . . .
Mostly, our right now is amazing. We have this amazing little girl who shows us love and magic and wonder on a daily basis. We have good jobs that allow us to provide for that magic little girl. We have each other. We will soon welcome another little someone to our world. And, we're happy. So, yeah, tonight, my "right now" feels amazing.
And, coincidentally, after that fabulous, "my right now is amazing" moment, I tried to slip out of Sammie B's bed (as we do each night) and I accidentally rolled onto her Dora doll and made her talk . . . and the second Dora started talking, Sam giggled, in her sleep, and said, "Hola Dora!" With that, I smiled. A really big smile, and slipped out of her room to get back on the computer and do more work. Feeling oh-so-grateful for my life, my right now.