Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Flip Flop

Story of my life. I cannot seem to STAY in an optimistic place all that long. Saturday, we had an OT session, and the therapist said that Sam is just sort of "under-responsive" when it comes to her awareness of her body. That's not news to us, but it was just phrased in a new way. We've been told that maybe because of the low tone, she may have sensory processing issues (which is sort of a catch-phrase of the OT/developmental ped world, but absolutely a real thing). So, its not surprising, but for whatever reason, it sent me into a state of google-mania, which is NEVER healthy. I haven't even found anything scary or bad really (most of what I find describes how with early intervention, OT, etc., the sensory-issue kids may not get "over" their sensory issues, but they get "around" them), but it still just drives my worry. And, on top of that, Sammie B had a fever over the weekend (nothing serious, just a reaction to her one-year shots that the doctor told us to expect) but she was WHINY WHINY WHINY. And, so PT on Friday didn't go well (she cried through most of it, which is very hard for us); OT on Saturday didn't go well (same); and so we just relaxed the rest of the weekend. And, this sort of through me into that resentful place where I feel bitter that I feel like I'm constantly supposed to be working with my child -- working on the quadriped position; working on transitions; working on self-feeding and awareness of her body parts, etc. Anyway, this is a yucky phase, I've fallen into a slump, but I know, this too shall pass.

I've been reading another blog about a mom and her son who also has sensory issues. He just started an OT preschool program that's 5 afternoons a week -- run by OTs/PTs and other specialists. She wrote about how at an interview w/ the school, she was listing all the things they "work on" at home, and the director of the program told her that now that he'd be in that program, he'd be "working" on stuff with the experts each day, and hopefully that would allow her to just ENJOY her kiddo at home. I read that, and thought . . . what a relief! What a weight to have lifted off! And my reaction to that made me realize how heavy of a burden this whole PT/OT thing feels like sometimes.

Don't get me wrong, we DO enjoy our Sammie B. Endlessly. But that doesn't mean there aren't moments or days that I wish I didn't have this feeling that I "should" be on the floor, putting her in the crawling position; etc., instead of cuddling on the couch and reading a story, or out walking with her in her stroller . . .

Sigh. Huge Sigh.

But, then, it is pictures like this (which our nanny took today and emailed me) that remind me how far our little Bean has come, and how our "work" with her is paying off . . . slowly but surely. . . and so we keep going!

There was a time when independent sitting felt impossible. When tripoding was a struggle. Now there she is - my Bean, sitting. (And note, no crash pillow behind her, no boppy around the waist, and no person to catch her if she falls!). And so too. . . the other things will happen with time and work.

I think the hardest thing for me is just that I WANT those other things so badly for her. I can just picture her crawling for things she wants (and I know she'll giggle as she does it) and I CANNOT WAIT for that. The windows of possibility await this little girl, and I cannot wait to see them open for her. But the waiting isn't always easy.

1 comment:

Elisa said...

Oh honey. I hate when you're hurting!

Isn't your nanny working with the Bean during the day? If so, couldn't you just enjoy each other's company at night? Or at least just set aside half an hour to work and the rest is all play? What about only work on Tuesdays and Thursdays and M,W,F evenings are cuddle times? I know you want to get her up to speed, so to speak, as soon as possible, but love, cuddling and laughing are so incredibly healing and positive! (Coming from someone who never gets any of those, believe me - I KNOW it's true!)

I love you guys so much and SO love the pic of Bean sitting at her desk writing a thesis!