Hot Mess Turns 33

I am, admittedly, a mess these days.  Things at home are in a rough spot, I'm a tad swamped at work (and having trouble focusing on work; you know that feeling where you know you HAVE to just keep plodding along, so you do, even though you'd really like to just go back to bed?  That's where I am.).   My birthday fell right in the middle of all this messiness -- I turned 33 yesterday.   I'll say this . . . it certainly doesn't go down in history as one of my best birthdays, but if it turns out to be the worst one I ever had, then I guess that's okay.   And, most definitely, there were highlights.   Amazing moments.

Like when Sammie B spontaneously sang the "Happy Birthday"song to me! (Many times).  My heart felt so full. 

And when both girls came downtown with our nanny to lunch with me, and Sammie B just pounded away on my keyboard doing what was probably very important work while Mia crawled around my office floor and flirted with everyone who stopped by.  My heart felt so full.

When Sammie B found some old party hats and was thrilled to recycle and wear again!  My heart felt so full.

Or when, after work Sammie B kept saying, "It's birthday time!" because she was ready for cake.  My heart felt so full.

And when, the littlest one couldn't stay awake for "birthday time" and dozed in her high chair between me and her sister while B served the cake (that he surprised me with) and ice cream.  My heart felt full.  

(P.S. Sam never actually wants to EAT ice cream, she just asks for it, and even accepts ice cream as bribery even though nine times out of ten, once she gets the reward, she doesn't even take a bite; I think its just the thrill of the chase for her!)

And, I wore a new shirt, which I liked very much.  In spite of the mess that sort of clouded my day, I felt pretty.  And, I felt loved by my two girls and proud that at 33, I have two little girls that make my heart so full it feels like singing . . . . because they do.   At 33, I am proud of the woman that I am, and more importantly, I'm proud of the mama I am.   And, mostly, I'm just thrilled that its these two that I get to be "mama" too.  

And, now I just hope the coming year is a fabulous one that brings a whole lot of good to my little family and little bit of healing to the messier stuff in my life right now.

Stubborn Little Rockstar

See this girl?  See that long hall behind her?  This picture was taken as she was just walking down the hall in a walker.  She CAN do it.  Now, why, why, why do we only get "no, no, no" from her if we so much as mention trying the walker at home?!   I sure hope our PT is right, who keeps telling me, "three is a hard age, so much defiance, so much stubborn, four is so much easier for therapy . . . you'll see!"   It is so hard because we have (of course) this greater goal in mind when we try to get her into the walker, a goal that we know would give her such independence and mobility, so we can't help but feel defeated when she flat refuses to even try, especially because we believe with everything in us that she can do it.  And then, I see this picture, I see her DOING it, and I know she CAN.   She is a rockstar.  A stubborn little rockstar, but a rockstar.  (She clearly gets BOTH of those qualities from me ;o))  She makes me so very, very happy and proud. 

And then there was this - her little note home from school about her day, and what she'd done with her school PT's assistance:  "I climbed up a ladder, walked over a bridge, and went down the stairs.  I rock!"  Oh yes, you do my girl.  Yes, you do.

You rock!

Two Little Lights

Lately, some parts of my life just feel not-so-great.  I haven't blogged about it, because well, even though this is a place for MY story (and I truly hate feeling like I'm only telling part of the story), sometimes the stories are intertwined with others, and I am trying to be careful not to air others' stories here.  So, I've stayed away.  I've been quiet.  Because I didn't want to come tell only part of the story.  But without this little blog, this little slice of my world, I feel a little incomplete.  So, I'm back.  And, while there's this background *stuff* I'm not writing about, I want you to know we are here.  And, while things are feeling a bit not-so-great in some areas of my life, the girls -- they are great.  They are so, so great.

It is THESE faces that never cease to make me smile.  To warm my heart.  The littlest one who is now army crawling (!!) all over the place, including right into my lap when she wants to be there, and the big one, who is always there to cheer her little sister on as she goes, goes, goes with "Go Mia Go!" and "Yeah Mia!"  The littlest one who does.not.want to be still and finds my cuddles super annoying except for in the few precious moments just before she falls asleep at night and first thing in the morning, when she's content to just nestle her little head beneath my chin and stay there, for approximately five seconds -- five wonderful, sweet seconds that I savor.  The big one who can never have enough snuggles, who, when she knows we've started our third (and last) story before bedtime, leans over to put her head on my chest and says "I love you."  There are no sweeter words.  There are no sweeter girls. 

So, when I need comforted, when I need a smile, I've got them, my two little lights.  Who fill my heart with enough love and light to truly, truly last forever.  I am so, so lucky to be their mama.

(Not so) Wordless Wednesday

This is one of those pictures that I look at and smile and think my heart might just explode with love.

Our weekday mornings can be stressful.  B leaves ridiculously early for work so I get myself ready for work, get Sammie B ready for preschool, and get little Mia ready for her day (some days that's daycare, and I take her and drop her off, or on Thursdays, she gets to spend the day with Sammie B and our nanny.  PS.  She loves her daycare and I'm convinced we made the right choice there).  On an ideal morning, I actually get myself out of bed long before either of them are up and I can get myself all ready (make-up on, hair blown dry, and actually *look* put together), go downstairs, make a bottle for Mia and chocolate milk (read: protein shake) for Sammie B and pack up everybody's bags and load the car and then go up and wake the girls.  Those mornings rarely happen.   But sometimes, they do. 

Some mornings, Mia wakes before Sam so I have her with me when I go into wake Sam, and I'll lay Mia in Sam's bed with her bottle while I get Sam dressed.  On those mornings, the second Sam's eyes open and she sees Mia, she says, "Mia - Sammie B's BED!" and gets really excited to have her sister in her bed with her (until Mia starts mouthing Sammie B's Dora pillow, then things tend to fall apart; we're talking about sharing and we've let Sam pick ONE thing that's so special to her that she doesn't have to share it - and she picked the Dora pillow, so usually Sam wants me to move it away from Mia in bed, which works).   On those mornings, I dress both girls for the day in Sammie B's room.  

Other mornings (like today), Mia's still sleeping when I go in to wake Sam and get her ready for school.  On those mornings, Sammie B asks for Mia, and I show her Mia sleeping on our video monitor and then when Mia does wake up, Sammie B demands "Sammie B - Mia's little bed!" and I go put Sam in Mia's crib with her and both are delighted.  On those mornings, I dress everybody in Mia's room. 

Today, after I got them both dressed, I put them both in "Mia's little bed" and Mia was trying to rip Sammie B's glasses off of her face, and Sammie was pushing Mia away and yelling "No, Mia, IT MINE!" and it was a perfect sort of mayhem.  Then, I got my phone out to take a picture, pulled Mia's arm away from Sammie B's face (and glasses) and said, "NO Mia, those are Sammie's and we don't take off Sammie's glasses," and then looked at Sammie B and said, "Sam, I know she's annoying you and you want to push her away, but mama just wants ONE really really cute, sweet picture."  Without skipping a beat, both girls just looked right at me and flashed their winning smiles, and I got this.

Perfection. 

Heart melting perfection.

And, you know what?  Even though 5 minutes later, I got spit up on wearing my only clean, straight-from-the-drycleaners dress that fits me well, and then got in my car and realized I had no gas (Papa: 4 miles), and had to get gas, drop Mia off and make it to work for an early call . . . my morning went off without a hitch and I smiled the whole way, thinking of these sweet faces.  And, now several hours later, I'm still staring at this picture (in between working) and smiling.