Tuesday, September 13, 2011


So, I've officially been told by my doctor to slow.it.down. It has been a fairly crappy few days. B is out of town at a conference. This is, for his field, the BIG annual conference, and he was speaking. So, he went. The week leading up to the conference he worked extra hard, extra late, and extra often (including going in on his day off), our nanny has also been out of town a lot this month (including during the days leading up to B's conference and part of while he was gone), so I've been pushed to the "modified bed rest" limit.

I cannot do it all. I am not superwoman. Especially not now. But lately, B has been preoccupied with work and this conference and as a result, a bit absent (and recognizing my own character flaws, I am not one who easily asks for help or admits when I can't keep going at the rate I'm going) so I have been TRYING to do it all. Not because I wasn't listening to my doctor, but out of necessity. And not without guilt and worry and wonder about the "what-ifs." Because I know the "what-ifs" all too well. I've had a pre-term baby before, and I know, we just don't get "do-overs" when it comes to pregnancies.

So, after a few straight days (Wed - Sun) of living solo with Sammie B while our nanny was gone and B was preparing and then gone for his conference, on Sunday morning, I woke up with a stomach ache. And it hurt. All day. Just a dull ache. I figured it couldn't be contractions because it was kind of a constant pain, not a coming and going kind of thing . . . so I didn't worry too much. But around 5 pm, I decided I'd better call my doctor and just ask if she was worried. She was. A little. She wanted me to go to L&D and just be monitored. So, I scrambled to find someone to watch Sammie B and off I went. I didn't call my mom, I didn't call anyone. (Other than telling B, of course!). I really really thought they'd monitor me for an hour or so, tell me all was good and send me home.

Except, I was having contractions (unbeknownst to me, but the monitor picked them up). So, they monitored me for about 5 hours (Sammie B went to spend the night with her nanny, who had just gotten back into town . . . thank goodness!). I laid in L&D alone for 5 hours, texting/calling B with updates, and hurting (emotionally, not physically). I could have called friends, but truthfully, if B couldn't be there, I just wanted to be alone with my feelings. And, being there brought back a lot of emotions about the trauma of Sam's birth and her subsequent NICU stay that I really thought I'd healed from. Obviously not. It was, a rough night.

Eventually, the contractions stopped (they were never frequent or strong, but my doctors, knowing my history, and Sam's, are thankfully, super cautious with me), and I was sent home. It was so hard walking back into my empty house, alone with my worry and fears. And thinking, "shit, is my body failing me again?" And, in all honestly, it made me feel so very alone in this pregnancy. When we've had the scares along the way, like when I got put on modified bed rest at 21 weeks, B has been quick to comfort, and has always said, "we'll get through this," and the thing is . . . I know we will . . . but sometimes it feels like there's so little "we" to pregnancy.

I followed up with my high-risk OB Monday. Cervix is still long (good!) but funneling (not as good, though also not tooo alarming at this point in pregnancy, but still, something to watch). She was less-than-thrilled to hear that my husband was far away and gave me strong warnings to "slow it down." And, I am. But as the support from friends poured in on facebook with messages like, "listen to your doctor!," I couldn't help but be MORE hurt. I HAVE listened to my doctor. TRUST me, I know the consequences of early labor. As I laid in L&D Sunday night thinking about the possibility of going through the NICU roller coaster again, I felt my heart shatter. It just seems like there's a whole lot of unnecessary blame in the "listen to your doctor" statements. I AM listening. And worrying. And doing everything in my power to keep this babe baking . . .

So, that's that. Rough week. B will get back on Thursday. And we will get through this.

I'm four weeks and 3 days from full-term, and hanging in and hanging on. And hoping to get some "we" back into it all.


Erica said...

love to you. lots of it. and hugs.

Dinei said...

You'll get through this. You will. It will be ok.

Until Thursday, have you called in your support system? Someone to help with Sam, someone to cook or bring dinner, and most importantly someone to make you laugh and distract you from Cervix Watch? I loved video gchat for talking to my best friends far away, especially when A was away.

Hugs hugs hugs.

Momttorney said...

I have. Our nanny is back, and as I joked to many, lately she adds more value than B anyway ;o) (But truthfully, she's wonderful and is someone I consider a "friend" or even more - "family" at this point . . .she's seen me cry this week!) so that makes all the difference in the world. After she leaves each day, Sam's been coming to bed with me and picking out a movie, and I'm trying not to let the "mama guilt" set in that I'm somehow letting her down. It's just a few days. No guilt for lots of TV, right?

We will get though this. I know we will. I think that no. 2 on the way has its mixed emotions for me in a LOT of ways (yes, we wanted this child, but that doesn't mean I'm not fearful of what it will mean for my little life of three, my balance, my ability to give Sam my all, etc.) and I think too that I'm just sort of (1) disappointed that we had such high hopes of this pregnancy being different and its now become scary like Sam's, and (2) I so wanted to savor every second of my last weeks/months of time with Sam before I become a mom of two, and the worry and wonder make that hard . . . etc.

You get it. I know you do.

Anonymous said...

Good luck!