I've never been a very active person. I mean, I'm active in the sense that I never sit down and hate sitting still (I'm by no means lazy), but exercise hasn't ever really been a priority for me, and I've always been lucky to have an insane metabolism. After I had Sammie B, I never exercised, yet still fit back in most of my work clothes by the end of my 4 month maternity leave. I'm having a harder time losing the pregnancy weight this go-round, but still . . . I'm thin. But, I know I'm not healthy. Other than the exercise my regular life gives me (I do lift a certain 30 lbs of magic many times a day, so I have strong arms!), I haven't set foot in a gym in 4 years, haven't ran in 4 years, haven't done a single thing that would qualify as a cardio workout in 4 years. I've joked that I exercise once a year -- the 3 mile March for Babies walk we do every spring. But, joking aside, that IS the most exercise I do. And, I know it is not enough.
The thing is, exercise just doesn't come naturally to me. B introduced me to hiking soon after we started dating, and while I always enjoy the views from the top of a hike, the climbing part is so very, very hard for me, and I always feel so frustrated that it seems to come so easily for him. That it seems so effortless to him. That he's practically running up the mountain while I'm making my way slowly and am totally out of breath. I'm the furthest thing from an athlete you can imagine. As soon as I feel my heart rate get faster and I start sweating, I want to quit. Exercise is hard for me. I don't like doing things that are hard for me, and almost as soon as I start, I want to quit.
Yet, every week, before Sammie B's physical therapy appointments, I remind her that I know that therapy is hard for her sometimes, but even when things are hard, we still have to cooperate and try. (As part of this little pep talk, I actually always ask her, "if we are going to cooperate, what do we say instead of 'no, no, no?'" And she says, "yeah yeah yeah!" She also gets to pick a surprise each week after therapy as long as she "ties berry hard" as she says, and she always does). My girl tries so very, very hard. Even when things are hard for her. Even when I KNOW she wants to quit.
So this year, my goal is to do as I say. To TRY even when things are hard for me, simply because they are good for my body. To run, even when I don't want to, because I can, and that's not something I can take for granted. To take care of my body. To eat healthier. To exercise. And, not just because I want to be skinnier, but because my body deserves it. My fitness inspiration won't be weight loss -- it will be longevity and strength. It will be Sammie B.
So, for us, this year is about taking better care of ME, and also modeling a healthier lifestyle for BOTH of my girls (we've started having fruit every morning and a veggie every night, and talking about how good they are for our bodies). Even when things are hard, we still have to try.
And, to kick off this new season of me, I am training to run my first ever organized race. In March, I'm going to run a 5k. Pushing my little inspiration in the jogging stroller all the way. It is time to start taking care of me -- for her. For the little girl that has shown me what "tying berry hard" really means. So that I can be strong enough to be her mom* for a long, long time. She deserves nothing less. My sweet girl, I will always be your "yes."
* The link is to a must-read post by Rachel Coleman of Signing Times that I'm keeping close for additional inspiration. I read it with tears streaming down my face. I will be my girl's "yes." I will take care of me so that I am strong enough for her. I cannot imagine any greater motivation.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
She's got Magic AND Style: A Post in Which I Over-Do it On the Pictures.
Whenever I get Sammie B all snazzed up in a cute outfit, I love posing her for pictures. This started when she was little - I really tried to take a picture of her in any outfits we got as gifts, and email those to the gift-giver. I still TRY to do that, and also to just capture outfits that I love!!!
MOST of the time, she humors me and gives me a smile or two. Occasionally, she even poses like a little supermodel. The pictures are some of my favorites! Here are some highlights!
This shirt is my favorite shirt of all time . . . the girl on the shirt is wearing purple glasses! I've already bought it in the next size up too!
This next outfit was a Christmas gift from one of my mom's dear friends:
And, one of my most fashionable friends bought Sammie B the next two dresses - pure sass, right? (And, I think Sammie B knows she looks sassy!)
And, a few from our recent attempt to get a PERFECT picture for her school Valentine's Day Cards (we built this one up big and told her we were having a "supermodel photo shoot").
Sammie B really DOES exude joy (and magic and style), doesn't she?
And, not to be forgotten, here's another little mini-fashionista-in-training!
MOST of the time, she humors me and gives me a smile or two. Occasionally, she even poses like a little supermodel. The pictures are some of my favorites! Here are some highlights!
This shirt is my favorite shirt of all time . . . the girl on the shirt is wearing purple glasses! I've already bought it in the next size up too!
This next outfit was a Christmas gift from one of my mom's dear friends:
And, one of my most fashionable friends bought Sammie B the next two dresses - pure sass, right? (And, I think Sammie B knows she looks sassy!)
And, a few from our recent attempt to get a PERFECT picture for her school Valentine's Day Cards (we built this one up big and told her we were having a "supermodel photo shoot").
Sammie B really DOES exude joy (and magic and style), doesn't she?
And, not to be forgotten, here's another little mini-fashionista-in-training!
Saturday, February 4, 2012
The man who hung her moon.
These moments. Days like today. This is what it's all about.
I slept in, snuggled in bed with Mia, who'd gotten up for a bottle at 5 am (she's now sleeping from 9 pm until 5 pm MOST of the time, then I put her in our bed and she sleeps a little longer). While Mia and I snuggled, B and Sammie B took the dog for a walk and picked flowers. Sammie B came back SO excited about her flowers, and when I asked which one was her favorite, she picked a purple one. B said that when she picked them, she'd just thrown them all in the wagon, except that one, which she held for the entire walk.
Our whole family took Sammie B to her swim lesson, and once the lesson was over, I got in the pool with Sammie B while Mia and B watched. We had such fun. It was sunny out, and Mia wore a hat that Sammie B used to always wear, and there was just something about seeing my little girl in my big girl's hat that just melted me.
Tonight, while I made dinner and gave Mia a bottle, Sammie B requested to play in her play room with her dada. And play they did. B turned up some music and they played along . . . Sammie B was mostly on the drums, but also tried out a harmonica and the clickers (that's our technical term, I've googled and now know they are called castanets) (and, um, how about the fine motor involved in playing those?! right?! I think her OT would be proud!). Anyway, they had a jam session in the playroom, and I couldn't help but stand and watch, and snap a few pictures. Seriously, these are the moments that make for a joyful life. And, tonight, as I watched them, I just felt filled with such joy, happiness, love and magic.
She was WAY into our requests for an "encore!" and she started really rocking, and screaming "YEAH!" B and I just kept looking at each other, grinning from ear to ear. She was SOOOO into it. A budding rocker, apparently!
And, like a good fan/groupie, dada got up and danced, which CRACKED Sammie B up. She thinks he hung the moon, seriously.
After all the rocking, we took advantage of all the good energy and even got some "work" in - some exercise ball stuff, and some sensory stuff. It's awesome when we are able to use good energy like that and make "work" truly, truly fun.
(Sammie B is a girl that craves sensory and movement for those moms of sensory kids, and much to her pleasure, her PT has told us to GIVE HER TONS of movement, like swinging her around, etc. I taught her to say "SWING ME LIKE A MAN, DADA!" and he always obliges. Her request never ceases to make us giggle. Tonight, he swung her extra high, and I said, "Dada just swung you like a big man, didn't he?" Then, she immediately said, "MORE!" and B said "More what?" and she said, "SWING ME LIKE A BIG MAN, DADA!") Seriously, it was just a super, super fun night. I love watching B and Sammie B. Love it.
Today was definitely a day I'm going to hold onto. Forever.
I slept in, snuggled in bed with Mia, who'd gotten up for a bottle at 5 am (she's now sleeping from 9 pm until 5 pm MOST of the time, then I put her in our bed and she sleeps a little longer). While Mia and I snuggled, B and Sammie B took the dog for a walk and picked flowers. Sammie B came back SO excited about her flowers, and when I asked which one was her favorite, she picked a purple one. B said that when she picked them, she'd just thrown them all in the wagon, except that one, which she held for the entire walk.
Our whole family took Sammie B to her swim lesson, and once the lesson was over, I got in the pool with Sammie B while Mia and B watched. We had such fun. It was sunny out, and Mia wore a hat that Sammie B used to always wear, and there was just something about seeing my little girl in my big girl's hat that just melted me.
Tonight, while I made dinner and gave Mia a bottle, Sammie B requested to play in her play room with her dada. And play they did. B turned up some music and they played along . . . Sammie B was mostly on the drums, but also tried out a harmonica and the clickers (that's our technical term, I've googled and now know they are called castanets) (and, um, how about the fine motor involved in playing those?! right?! I think her OT would be proud!). Anyway, they had a jam session in the playroom, and I couldn't help but stand and watch, and snap a few pictures. Seriously, these are the moments that make for a joyful life. And, tonight, as I watched them, I just felt filled with such joy, happiness, love and magic.
She was WAY into our requests for an "encore!" and she started really rocking, and screaming "YEAH!" B and I just kept looking at each other, grinning from ear to ear. She was SOOOO into it. A budding rocker, apparently!
And, like a good fan/groupie, dada got up and danced, which CRACKED Sammie B up. She thinks he hung the moon, seriously.
After all the rocking, we took advantage of all the good energy and even got some "work" in - some exercise ball stuff, and some sensory stuff. It's awesome when we are able to use good energy like that and make "work" truly, truly fun.
(Sammie B is a girl that craves sensory and movement for those moms of sensory kids, and much to her pleasure, her PT has told us to GIVE HER TONS of movement, like swinging her around, etc. I taught her to say "SWING ME LIKE A MAN, DADA!" and he always obliges. Her request never ceases to make us giggle. Tonight, he swung her extra high, and I said, "Dada just swung you like a big man, didn't he?" Then, she immediately said, "MORE!" and B said "More what?" and she said, "SWING ME LIKE A BIG MAN, DADA!") Seriously, it was just a super, super fun night. I love watching B and Sammie B. Love it.
Today was definitely a day I'm going to hold onto. Forever.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Tummy Time!
Before Mia was born, B and I joked that the SECOND she came out, she was going on her tummy . . . that we were putting her through "tummy time boot camp." See, after three years in physical therapy with Sammie B, we STILL have this feeling of "did we do enough?" "Was there more that we COULD have done?" and the thing that pediatric physical therapists BEAT into parents is "tummy time!" So, we knew -- this time, no messing around. TUMMY TIME! Remember how I said I was determined to let Mia's journey be Mia's journey, and not impose Sammie B's journey on her? Sometimes, that's hard. We have, after all, had the not-so-fun experience through the last three years of having doctors and therapists "evaluate" (scrutinize) our Sammie B's every movement and point out what is "atypical" about that . . . we've not only listened and watched those therapists do that, we've read their reports. We know too much about "atypical" (and let me just say here that Sammie B is perfection, magic. Absolute magic, and this journey with her? Also magic. But, I could do without those darn evaluations and reports!).
So, bottom line. I resolved myself not to look at a single milestone chart during this period with Mia. I'll depend on my pediatrician for that, and I am just determined NOT to obsess. But, we worry. We just do. It just comes with the territory. But, no doubt because of the above, we were determined to not have any of the "should we have done more" worries and just to give Mia non-stop tummy time . . . . Before she was born, I ordered new tummy time mats, new tummy time toys. We were ready for full-fledged newborn tummy time boot camp. (I wish I was kidding).
And, then, Mia developed reflux. She was a fussy little baby that didn't want to be put down, and certainly not on her tummy, so B and I both have sort of silently OBSESSED. Are we giving her enough tummy time? Should she be rolling already? (Our pediatrician says she's got plenty of time for that, and she's following Mia's development very closely, in light of Sammie B's undiagnosed low-tone) In those fussier, don't-put-me-down days, I worried constantly, "how's she ever going to learn to roll if she won't let us put her down?!." We know that at least for those first few months that Mia wanted nothing other than to be held, we probably weren't doing enough tummy time. But now, she's on reflux medication (that I had to really talk our pediatrician into . . . I guess she doesn't like to do reflux meds unless the baby isn't gaining weight, and Mia certainly isn't having trouble gaining - check out her rolls and chins!), but my gut told me that she was uncomfortable due to the reflux, and we wanted to try the medication. She's still spitting up, but seems more content, and I'm making up for lost time on the tummy time.
Boot camp has begun. (Poor Mia probably wonders how she wound up with drill sergeants for parents and where on earth we learned these tummy time tricks and stretches for babies with the exercise ball. . . um, yes, we MAY be guilty of doing PT exercises with Mia.).
Oh what a ride. For us, and her, presumably!
Working Mama . . . .
On March 1, I return to work. As I've said, I've really, really missed work. I haven't been in my office with any sort of regularity since that doctor's appointment in June where I got put on bedrest and that feels forever long ago. So, I AM anxious to return to work. To get dressed up every day, drive downtown to my office, and to be a lawyer again. Because I LIKE (love) being a lawyer.
But, it IS a mixed bag. I'm already remembering how it felt to work late and miss my girl. To have my heart literally ache because I missed her. And now, my heart will ache for TWO little girls, and I'll have TWO little girls to balance my time with when I am home.
(Oh how I'll miss weekday lunches with this little lady!)
But, I truly do know that I'm a more complete person when I'm working. And, maternity leave and bed rest has shown me that my children are no worse off for it. (That's not to say there haven't been times in the past when I've sobbed and felt like I *should* be home with Sam and mourned that staying home simply isn't in the cards for me, particularly since I'm our primary breadwinner -- and I'm sure I'll have those moments in the future too -- but my view on "having" to work has really changed in the last year).
In all this time I've been home, Sammie B's amazing, wonderful, fabulous nanny has kept working with her. They are always in and out -- to school, to therapies, etc., but in between all of that, I've had the absolute pleasure of watching them together, and I know my girl is in amazing hands -- dare I say, the BEST hands. Having this fabulous person (that Sam just adores) "working" with Sammie B all day, every day, truly, truly has allowed B and I the freedom to just be "mom" and "dad" and not feel as much pressure to play therapists all the time. We work with Sammie B too, but there's a certain freedom (one that we deserve!) that comes with knowing that her nanny does so much with her. And, I've probably said it before, but Sammie B always, always does better at therapy appointments when I'm not there. There's definitely some "rescue me" whining when I'm there, and things are hard. But her nanny truly is like her best friend, and Sammie B is motivated by her in a way that only a best friend can be . . . so although I will miss Sammie B like crazy when I'm back at work, there isn't even a little part of me that thinks, "I should stay home with her," because I actually believe that her nanny is BETTER than me at "working with her" and that Sammie B deserves a mama who is just that . . . "mama," not therapist.
The hardest part about going back to work is of course the hours. I KNOW that the ebb and flow of litigation makes work/life balance hard, and I also realize that I'm at a point in my career where I have to really decide where I want to be in three years and start working toward that . . . if I want to make partner, it is time to step it up, travel more, take opportunities that come my way (even when they might skew that work-life balance in a way that is hard for us) and start thinking more and more about client-development. B and I have talked a lot about this . . . because of two pregnancies, two times on bed rest and two maternity leaves, I feel like I've sacrificed a lot of career development in the last four years (though of course, I wouldn't trade it for the world) and now's the time that I have to step it up to keep moving forward. The timing isn't exactly ideal -- as we adjust to life as a family of four, but it is what it is, and we are determined to make it all work. I'm lucky that I work for a firm that has afforded me a lot of flexibility. I can work from home any day that I need (or just want) to be at an appointment with Sammie B. That flexibility (even when it sometimes means sleepless nights for me because I've done the "mom" thing during daylight on a day when Sammie B has needed me, and end up working all night . . . ) is invaluable to me in my life right now. B's job is not flexible, but he has super regular hours. The predictability/regularity of his hours and the flexibility my firm has allowed me is how we've made the work/life balance thing work thus far.
B is actually taking all of March off, which is going to make the transition from maternity leave to work so much easier and he'll get to have a little taste of what I've enjoyed the last months. Watching Sammie B with her nanny, having lunch with them each day, and lots and lots of cuddle time with Mia. He didn't get to take any long leave with Sammie B, so this is a great opportunity for him to have some time home, and we are both really excited about it!
And once B and I are both back at work, Miss Mia will be going to day-care part time -- just three days a week, on Sammie B's heavy therapy appointment days. This has been a tough decision for us. Our childcare costs are literally going to be astronomical, because we'll be paying for both daycare AND a nanny, but we want Sammie B to continue to get the one-on-one time she needs and we didn't want Mia to spend her life in waiting rooms at therapy offices. So, she'll be in daycare Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I'll be home on Tuesdays (HOPEFULLY more often than not! and plan to do a Mommy & Me swim class with Mia in the mornings, and Sammie B's usual swimming therapy with her in the afternoon), and our nanny will only have both girls on Thursdays. I was feeling terrible about this arrangement, trying to figure out how we could give each girl the best . . . and wishing we could afford two nannies (I KNOW - INSANE, right?!) but then I toured the daycare, liked it, and I truly left with such peace thinking "this is going to be great for Mia!" So that's the plan.
I'm nervous, but hopeful and cautiously optimistic. Here's to hoping that daycare IS fabulous for Mia, and that things DO fall into place this year for my little family. And, here's to hoping that someday, we'll be able to afford a vacation . . . because we darn sure won't be able to this year . . . our already non-existent "vacation" fund is going straight to childcare expenses!
One month left . . . and I plan to spend this month enjoying my two girls (and trying to lose this last ten pounds of baby weight so I can fit in my work clothes)!
But, it IS a mixed bag. I'm already remembering how it felt to work late and miss my girl. To have my heart literally ache because I missed her. And now, my heart will ache for TWO little girls, and I'll have TWO little girls to balance my time with when I am home.
(Oh how I'll miss weekday lunches with this little lady!)
But, I truly do know that I'm a more complete person when I'm working. And, maternity leave and bed rest has shown me that my children are no worse off for it. (That's not to say there haven't been times in the past when I've sobbed and felt like I *should* be home with Sam and mourned that staying home simply isn't in the cards for me, particularly since I'm our primary breadwinner -- and I'm sure I'll have those moments in the future too -- but my view on "having" to work has really changed in the last year).
In all this time I've been home, Sammie B's amazing, wonderful, fabulous nanny has kept working with her. They are always in and out -- to school, to therapies, etc., but in between all of that, I've had the absolute pleasure of watching them together, and I know my girl is in amazing hands -- dare I say, the BEST hands. Having this fabulous person (that Sam just adores) "working" with Sammie B all day, every day, truly, truly has allowed B and I the freedom to just be "mom" and "dad" and not feel as much pressure to play therapists all the time. We work with Sammie B too, but there's a certain freedom (one that we deserve!) that comes with knowing that her nanny does so much with her. And, I've probably said it before, but Sammie B always, always does better at therapy appointments when I'm not there. There's definitely some "rescue me" whining when I'm there, and things are hard. But her nanny truly is like her best friend, and Sammie B is motivated by her in a way that only a best friend can be . . . so although I will miss Sammie B like crazy when I'm back at work, there isn't even a little part of me that thinks, "I should stay home with her," because I actually believe that her nanny is BETTER than me at "working with her" and that Sammie B deserves a mama who is just that . . . "mama," not therapist.
The hardest part about going back to work is of course the hours. I KNOW that the ebb and flow of litigation makes work/life balance hard, and I also realize that I'm at a point in my career where I have to really decide where I want to be in three years and start working toward that . . . if I want to make partner, it is time to step it up, travel more, take opportunities that come my way (even when they might skew that work-life balance in a way that is hard for us) and start thinking more and more about client-development. B and I have talked a lot about this . . . because of two pregnancies, two times on bed rest and two maternity leaves, I feel like I've sacrificed a lot of career development in the last four years (though of course, I wouldn't trade it for the world) and now's the time that I have to step it up to keep moving forward. The timing isn't exactly ideal -- as we adjust to life as a family of four, but it is what it is, and we are determined to make it all work. I'm lucky that I work for a firm that has afforded me a lot of flexibility. I can work from home any day that I need (or just want) to be at an appointment with Sammie B. That flexibility (even when it sometimes means sleepless nights for me because I've done the "mom" thing during daylight on a day when Sammie B has needed me, and end up working all night . . . ) is invaluable to me in my life right now. B's job is not flexible, but he has super regular hours. The predictability/regularity of his hours and the flexibility my firm has allowed me is how we've made the work/life balance thing work thus far.
B is actually taking all of March off, which is going to make the transition from maternity leave to work so much easier and he'll get to have a little taste of what I've enjoyed the last months. Watching Sammie B with her nanny, having lunch with them each day, and lots and lots of cuddle time with Mia. He didn't get to take any long leave with Sammie B, so this is a great opportunity for him to have some time home, and we are both really excited about it!
And once B and I are both back at work, Miss Mia will be going to day-care part time -- just three days a week, on Sammie B's heavy therapy appointment days. This has been a tough decision for us. Our childcare costs are literally going to be astronomical, because we'll be paying for both daycare AND a nanny, but we want Sammie B to continue to get the one-on-one time she needs and we didn't want Mia to spend her life in waiting rooms at therapy offices. So, she'll be in daycare Monday, Wednesday and Friday, I'll be home on Tuesdays (HOPEFULLY more often than not! and plan to do a Mommy & Me swim class with Mia in the mornings, and Sammie B's usual swimming therapy with her in the afternoon), and our nanny will only have both girls on Thursdays. I was feeling terrible about this arrangement, trying to figure out how we could give each girl the best . . . and wishing we could afford two nannies (I KNOW - INSANE, right?!) but then I toured the daycare, liked it, and I truly left with such peace thinking "this is going to be great for Mia!" So that's the plan.
I'm nervous, but hopeful and cautiously optimistic. Here's to hoping that daycare IS fabulous for Mia, and that things DO fall into place this year for my little family. And, here's to hoping that someday, we'll be able to afford a vacation . . . because we darn sure won't be able to this year . . . our already non-existent "vacation" fund is going straight to childcare expenses!
One month left . . . and I plan to spend this month enjoying my two girls (and trying to lose this last ten pounds of baby weight so I can fit in my work clothes)!
Star Struck!
Last weekend, we went to the Dora Exhibit at the California Discovery Center. We kept it a surprise for Sammie B and didn't tell her who we'd be meeting until we woke her up Saturday morning. Needless to say, she was over the moon excited. She donned her Dora shirt, and off we went.
I think I may have been more excited than she was. I feel like Dora is a celebrity in MY life. She is, after all, responsible for teaching my sweet girl a whole lot of things . . . like counting in Spanish. From the second we introduced Sammie B to Dora, she's been in love, and B and I have loved watching HER watch Dora. She talks to the show, answers Dora's questions, and gets so very, very into it. One of my favorite moments was when Sammie B and I were making brownies together and she was stiring and saying something and I stopped to listen, trying to figure out what she was saying, and realized she was saying "Bate Bate Chocolate" like Dora does when she makes chocolate in one episode.
When we finally made it to the front of the line to meet Dora, Sammie B was completely and totally star struck. Not even a smile. All she could do was stare at Dora, then look at me like, "are you serious?!" So, I gave Dora a hug and a "thank-you" from all of us, we snapped a picture, and enjoyed the rest of the exhibit and the museum!
I think I may have been more excited than she was. I feel like Dora is a celebrity in MY life. She is, after all, responsible for teaching my sweet girl a whole lot of things . . . like counting in Spanish. From the second we introduced Sammie B to Dora, she's been in love, and B and I have loved watching HER watch Dora. She talks to the show, answers Dora's questions, and gets so very, very into it. One of my favorite moments was when Sammie B and I were making brownies together and she was stiring and saying something and I stopped to listen, trying to figure out what she was saying, and realized she was saying "Bate Bate Chocolate" like Dora does when she makes chocolate in one episode.
When we finally made it to the front of the line to meet Dora, Sammie B was completely and totally star struck. Not even a smile. All she could do was stare at Dora, then look at me like, "are you serious?!" So, I gave Dora a hug and a "thank-you" from all of us, we snapped a picture, and enjoyed the rest of the exhibit and the museum!
Questions
Some of the questions that run through my head along this journey are what makes it so.very.hard. Questions that no one else knows are there, but that just sort of flash through my head, they come and go quickly, but happen often enough to make my heart ache.
When Sammie B calls for me in the night, or after I put her down to sleep at night, I wonder if she's laying in her bed, wishing she could jump up and run to me.
I used to wonder if she's MOTIVATED to move. She used to always seem so content to point to (or later ask for) what she wanted and have us get it. But lately, lately, I know she WANTS to move her body. It makes me feel like my girl's body has betrayed her. And that sucks.
Right before Christmas we went to a parade. She was in the jogging stroller, and as we walked by a field, she kept saying "me, out" and pointing to the grass. . . she doesn't want to be just sitting in her stroller. So, I got her out and helped her stand and assisted her in walking around. Then we sat on the curb and watched the parade. I grabbed candy that was thrown her way, but many times, the other kids around us got it first -- they ran to it, and picked it up. Watching the other kids get the candy, Sammie B pointed to them and said, "me run!" and my heart shattered in a million tiny pieces. My girl wanted to run. My girl IS MOTIVATED to move, she just can't. Not yet. That moment hit me hard. It was also one of the motivating moments behind our goal this year to get Sammie B whatever equipment she might need to gain some independence and mobility. I thought that if we'd already had her gait trainer, she could have been in that, and had more independence that day at the parade. I wondered if she would have liked that. I hoped she would. In a way I cannot put into words, I ached for my girl, and wished I could trade bodies with her. Run FOR her. But I couldn't. So instead, with a heavy heart, I chased as much candy as I could, and sat on the curb next to her and enjoyed our lollipops.
As she gets older, the differences between her and her peers is growing. No longer is it that I feel the twinge of pain because I see a kid her age starting to walk. Now, I see kids born long after her walking, and kids her age are learning to skate, ride bikes, play t-ball. It hurts. But again, it motivates us more than ever to find way to help her be independent and age-appropriate.
As I see this gap widening, I wonder how other kids will see her. Will they laugh at her? THAT thought puts tears in my eyes in an instant. Will they see her magic, as we do? (I've not met a person yet who hasn't seen it . . . ).
The questions seem to always bring other questions. Sometimes, a questions runs through my mind and I'm able to immediately move on . . . to go back to enjoying what I was doing, to stay in the moment. Other times, questions give rise to questions. It almost feels like the first question comes at me slowly, and then, suddenly, others are running through my mind at warp speed. Like, are we doing enough? Is there a doctor we haven't seen that we need to? Should we keep pursuing an answer? How can we make her life easier? Why her? Why was my child chosen for this struggle?
My magical, sweet, amazing Sammie B. The little lady in lavender glasses that just exudes love like its her job. Why her?
My sweet Sammie B, if I COULD trade bodies with you, I would, in a heartbeat. I'd give a limb to have been able to see YOU running after that candy at the parade, knocking down anyone that got in your way. I love you little lady, and you work harder than any three year old ever should and you make me so very, very happy and proud, every single day.
When Sammie B calls for me in the night, or after I put her down to sleep at night, I wonder if she's laying in her bed, wishing she could jump up and run to me.
I used to wonder if she's MOTIVATED to move. She used to always seem so content to point to (or later ask for) what she wanted and have us get it. But lately, lately, I know she WANTS to move her body. It makes me feel like my girl's body has betrayed her. And that sucks.
Right before Christmas we went to a parade. She was in the jogging stroller, and as we walked by a field, she kept saying "me, out" and pointing to the grass. . . she doesn't want to be just sitting in her stroller. So, I got her out and helped her stand and assisted her in walking around. Then we sat on the curb and watched the parade. I grabbed candy that was thrown her way, but many times, the other kids around us got it first -- they ran to it, and picked it up. Watching the other kids get the candy, Sammie B pointed to them and said, "me run!" and my heart shattered in a million tiny pieces. My girl wanted to run. My girl IS MOTIVATED to move, she just can't. Not yet. That moment hit me hard. It was also one of the motivating moments behind our goal this year to get Sammie B whatever equipment she might need to gain some independence and mobility. I thought that if we'd already had her gait trainer, she could have been in that, and had more independence that day at the parade. I wondered if she would have liked that. I hoped she would. In a way I cannot put into words, I ached for my girl, and wished I could trade bodies with her. Run FOR her. But I couldn't. So instead, with a heavy heart, I chased as much candy as I could, and sat on the curb next to her and enjoyed our lollipops.
As she gets older, the differences between her and her peers is growing. No longer is it that I feel the twinge of pain because I see a kid her age starting to walk. Now, I see kids born long after her walking, and kids her age are learning to skate, ride bikes, play t-ball. It hurts. But again, it motivates us more than ever to find way to help her be independent and age-appropriate.
As I see this gap widening, I wonder how other kids will see her. Will they laugh at her? THAT thought puts tears in my eyes in an instant. Will they see her magic, as we do? (I've not met a person yet who hasn't seen it . . . ).
The questions seem to always bring other questions. Sometimes, a questions runs through my mind and I'm able to immediately move on . . . to go back to enjoying what I was doing, to stay in the moment. Other times, questions give rise to questions. It almost feels like the first question comes at me slowly, and then, suddenly, others are running through my mind at warp speed. Like, are we doing enough? Is there a doctor we haven't seen that we need to? Should we keep pursuing an answer? How can we make her life easier? Why her? Why was my child chosen for this struggle?
My magical, sweet, amazing Sammie B. The little lady in lavender glasses that just exudes love like its her job. Why her?
My sweet Sammie B, if I COULD trade bodies with you, I would, in a heartbeat. I'd give a limb to have been able to see YOU running after that candy at the parade, knocking down anyone that got in your way. I love you little lady, and you work harder than any three year old ever should and you make me so very, very happy and proud, every single day.
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