My first MAMA's Day!!!

I didn't think I'd be THIS excited for my first mother's day, but I totally am. Probably in part because of all the good news of the week. PLUS, we found our nanny today :o) - a friend/co-worker no longer needs her nanny, so she's going to come work for us. We LOVE her. The last nanny I interviewed I felt had maybe a little to strong of a personality. I think she was highly qualified, and could do the job, but she wasn't all that warm. And, I think she would do things "her" way as opposed to "our" way which just isn't okay with me. The one we hired, on the otherhand, is SUPER warm and nurturing, and I think, will totally feel like part of our family. I think having a nanny is going to make such a difference in all three of our lives -- we will have more flexibility, we won't have to get the Bean out the door in the mornings, we won't have to do the drive to the daycare (which was out of our way), AND most importantly, the Bean is going to get the one-on-one she needs in between her bi-weekly physical therapy!!! She's going to blossom :o) We are all VERY excited!!!! Brian and I usually have to really talk things out like this . . . but this nanny, we knew on the spot, both of us LOVED her. Plus, we have the benefit of her having been "tried and tested" by my friend - which is HUGE!! We have to be a little (or a lot) tighter with our money to afford this, but it's going to be SO worth it. (I dread telling daycare, but I have to believe they'll understand).

We also just had a fabulous weekend overall - (and it's only halfway over) - dinner with friends last night at our house - they have a baby girl three months older than our Bean (their's is crawling all over the place, so it reminded us of all we have to look forward to!); and brunch with more friends at our place this morning before our last two nanny interviews. A great weekend for all of us - Sam LOVES new people. She just stares at them SO intently. She was up late last night even, and was still great today, though she was a little harder to get to sleep tonight.

So, tomorrow morning for my mother's day I am sleeping in and then getting up and getting all dressed up (in new dresses for me AND the Bean) and we are going to brunch at the restaurant where Brian and I got married three years and two months ago :o) I'm excited to take pictures in the very spot Brian and I took pictures on our wedding day . . . now there are THREE!!

Here's a mother's day poem that a friend sent me . . . so much of it really sums up the STRONG emotions I've been feeling . . . my heart HAS been on my sleeve lately!

Before I was a Mom, I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on. Pooped on. Chewed on. Peed on. I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom, I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. Or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom, I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom, I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child. I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom .

Celebrate good news!!!

Today was the neurologist appointment . . . and we got GOOD news. The neurologist thinks there's NOTHING neurologically wrong with our bean!!! She's just a premie with some quirks ;o) And, her gross motor delay (and the abnormal movements noted by the PT) are connected to her vision. She's still getting used to the glasses, we know she may need stronger ones, etc. The neurologist thinks with the PT she's starting that by age 2 or 3, Sam will be all caught up with her peers, and all these little quirks will work themselves out!!!! FABULOUS news!!! She does want us to see ANOTHER opthamologist (this will be our 3d -- a neuro-opthamologist that she feels like is better at addressing the sort of accommodative vision behaviors that can be problematic later on).

I was a nervous wreck before the appointment -- I left super early b/c I needed to get out of the house, and Sam and I just walked around Beverly Hills for a bit before the appointment. When we finally got into the office, I felt myself get hot all over, and I sat there a total wreck with Sam until Brian got there. The doctor was super warm, super knowledgeable, and super thorough. I left there feeling like a 10 ton brick had been lifted off of me. And, even better, everything she said was 100% consistent with what our own pediatrician had said (which is also reassuring).

Couple more "to-do's" - the new opthamologist, PT 2 x per week, etc., but our little bean is just fine!!! I had a skip in my step when we left there, and tonight we all walked out to dinner on the ocean to celebrate. I snapped the picture above on our walk back. Not the best pic, but all I had was my blackberry and we were trying to hurry. Even Sam was in a fabulous mood tonight -- everytime I looked at her at dinner, she giggled!!! I can't imagine anything better :o)

I'm likely taking just one more week off work to deal with the eye doctor, starting PT, interviewing the nannies, etc., but life is feeling PERFECT at this moment. Minor inconveniences on our way to conquering the world!!!!

(Oh and I also came home to a fabulous package from one of my nearest and dearest, which included a pink t-shirt that says, "What are you looking at four eyes?" for the bean . . . . GREATEST T-SHIRT EVER.)

And all is right with the world!

All good news from neurologist . . . details to follow - we are headed out to dinner to celebrate a HUGE weight off our shoulders!

Twas the night before . . .

Finally caught Sam on film holding her own bottle!!!! She's only been doing this for a few days, and it's touch and go. I think she figures why hold it herself if we'll hold it ;o) Usually when she does it, we act so proud of her and smile and say "good job Samantha," and she smiles a HUGE smile, gets distracted, and drops the bottle. So, tonight when she held it herself and Brian let go, we didn't say anything. She kept it in her mouth, but seemed quite pleased with herself!!!

My bean was SOOOOO good at the ophthamologist today and I LOVED this doctor. He thinks her eyes are still crossing a bit because the other doctor got her prescription just a little wrong. I have to say, this exam was MUCH MUCH more thorough. Turns out they can't fully dilate babies' eyes in the office because the usual drops for that are way too strong. He measured her prescription today, but before we change the glasses, we are going to dilate them at home with drops (over the course of two days) and take her back for another exam . . . this doctor seems like the type that leaves no stone unturned. So, we will do that in two weeks.

Tomorrow is the neurologist. Of course, I'm anxious. I just want it to hurry up and get here. I'll be a disaster tomorrow morning. Brian is leaving work early and meeting us at the doctor's office. I'm also interviewing another nanny tomorrow, and I'm super hopeful about this one . . . she was recommended by an OT, has cared for premature twins, etc. After interviewing one, I also feel better equipped to interview now -- I even have my list of questions.

Not much more to say. I'm a ball of nerves tonight, and just anxious for the neurologist appointment to hurry up and get here (2:45 PST).

Anxiety!

So, we interviewed one nanny today, but she only is available Mondays and Wednesdays. We thought about doing a nanny two days a week, and then day care the others -- we LOVE our daycare, and Sam LOVES it. But, I know she spends a lot of time laying under the little play gym or in the bouncy chair there. I don't fault them - it's inevitable with so many kids to look after, and we knew that going in. For most kids, that's fine. Plus, she gets tons of stimulation from all the other kiddos at daycare. But, lately, we just think Sam needs more one-on-one care from someone who will do her physical therapy exercises with her. The daycare says they will, but I feel like that's asking a lot . . . and on a hectic, crazy day I can't be sure it will actually happen. So, I posted an ad on my citymommy group looking for a nanny that has experience with kids that need extra special care. The one we interviewed today currently works right down the street with an autistic little boy and has been through the regional center process with them. I liked her, but Brian thinks if we are going to do a nanny we might as well do it full-time. I agree. But, again . . . it kills me to take her out of her daycare. Daycares are HARD to find in LA. Anyway, an occupational therapist on my citymommy group recommended another nanny, and I'm interviewing her Thursday. We shall see. She's available full-time.

Meanwhile, I just sat down with our budget and calculated what we can afford to pay a nanny. Holy schmokes. LA is expensive. But, we'll make it happen if we need to. We've been GREAT about not eating out lately anyway, and that saves us a fortune. Pre-Sam we ate out every night!

I'm taking the Bean for a second opinion on her eyes tomorrow. I trust the other doctor's professional judgment, just didn't find him warm and fuzzy . . . so I'd like a second opinion if there's a chance surgery will be required. Just looking out for my bean! I actually initially couldn't get an appointment with this doctor until June, but they called today to say they had a cancellation, so we are going in. After that, I'm taking her into daycare just for a couple of hours. The owner called me today to say "bring her in for a few hours. It's good for her and good for you, and we miss her!" (SEE - I LOVE THEM). So, I'm going to . . . and I'm meeting a friend for lunch (one of the most upbeat-glass-half-full kinda women I know, which is exactly what this glass-half-empty girl needs right now!)

And, finally, still anxious about the neurologist on Thursday. But, for whatever reason (perhaps the beautiful weather today, my two fabulous walks with Bean and Dude, and the fact that after only 4 days of working with Sam on her new PT exercises, I can feel her gaining strength, or the multitude of encouraging emails/calls I keep getting from my friends that know me so so well and know exactly what I need to hear) a peace came over me today . . . there's no news we could possibly get that could change a thing. I don't know . . . I guess today my glass is half full for once!!!

Lazy Sunday

I'm still freaking out. Thursday (the neurologist appt) can't come fast enough. I'm a roller coaster . . . one minute, I look at her and just know that everything is going to be fine, and then the horrible "what if's" creep in the next minute. How do you stop that?

In spite of me being a mess, the three of us had a nice day - grocery shopping in the morning (with Sam in the carrier on my chest), a walk in the afternoon, lots of naps together.

After our walk, I took her out of the carrier and laid her on the couch on a blanket while I took the carrier off me. She was WIPED out and stayed sleeping like this, glasses and hat on, for 30 minutes. Oh and the second pictures, she's sound alseep . . . her favorite place to nap -- on a boppy in one of our laps.

She's so beautiful. She HAS to be okay! Has to has to has to. I am trying to keep myself together. I don't want Brian to feel like he has to take care of me. I know he's worried about me, and I feel like that's not fair . . . but I don't know how not to worry like this! He let me sleep in this am, and got up with the Bean. I love watching him with her. I love being the "three" of us. Nothing has ever felt so wonderful and right. I just want Thursday to come . . . and to have some answers!

PT Begins . . . and the Roller Coaster Continues

We had Sam's first PT appointment . . . and it didn't go as well as expected . . . the PT said there were some abnormal things about Sam's movement and suggested we see a neurologist just to rule anything neurological out. Of course, I immediately started crying . . . you never want to hear "neurological" in connection with your child! So, yesterday was a terrible day. I made an appointment with a neurologist for next week, and now we just have to wait (the WORST part). I talked to my work, and am taking a few weeks off to be with Sam, get her to doctor's appointments, etc. I HATE WAITING. I HATE WORRYING. I was pretty much a sobbing mess most of yesterday . . . and didn't have it in me to blog.

Brian stayed home from work today to be with me and Sam - we just needed a family day. I also talked to Sam's pediatrician. I called her to ask for a pediatric neurologist recommendation, and she said she REALLY has never suspected anything neurological, and that she wants me to just relax. So, I'm trying. TRYING. But, there's still the wait until the appointment, and likely then a wait for any tests that the doctor orders, etc. I've been a mess . . . I'm just scared.

Brian is still being a rock. He told me tonight that he's not worried b/c it doesn't matter what the results are --- Sam is still the best thing we've ever done, and she absolutely lights up our world, and that's all that matters. *Sigh* We love Brian!

I've also gotten so many sweet emails from friends -- THANK YOU! Really, I have some fabulous women in my life that always know the right thing to say! My dad (a total man's man that doesn't always deal well with emotions ;o)) also sat on the phone with me last night while I sobbed so much I was giving myself the hiccups . . . good daddy! And, one of Brian's co-workers came over today and made lunch for us . . . grilled cheese . . . yummy yummy comfort food. It was exactly what I needed. I can't eat when I'm stressed, and hadn't eaten in a day and a half (since the PT appt), so it was exactly what I needed --- someone to make food, put it in front of me and say, "eat."

After a day laying around the house and visiting with our friend, me, Brian and Sam took a mini- road trip to a pizza place about an hour away -- it was nice just to drive, and go out. The bean even got to stay up late, and we didn't have any freak outs! It remains to be seen what her mood will be like tomorrow . . .

Regardless of the results of the neuro stuff, Sam does have low muscle tone, so we need to continue PT so she can gain the strength to do all the fun stuff life has in store for her -- sitting up, crawling, etc. Brian and I are wondering if daycare is the best choice for her -- we recognize that with 25 other kids to watch after -- even though our daycare is fabulous and we love them -- she just can't get the kind of one-on-one attention she may need. So, we may start interviewing nannies. It will be expensive, and we'll have to really re-work our budget, but if its best for her, then we'll figure it out.

In the meantime, we made a trip to Toys R Us today to get all the toys the PT recommended . . . little toys that give Sam something to prop herself on so she can practice her sitting, and a big exercise ball for more tummy time so she can work on her chest muscles and head control. She loves when we roll her around on the floor on the ball! Brian puts her on it and pushes her toward me, I kiss her head, she smiles, he pushes back, then repeats! (that's one of the pics above, the other is her propping herself on Brian and we put her knees like that -- trying to show her all the ways her body can work and build her strength in the process). I MAY be in denial, but the PT did say that vision drives motor development. I REALLY believe (and mom's have hunches right?) that her lack of movement and use of her body is partly due to the fact that her vision was SO bad. I believe that, and that gives me a great deal of hope, but I'm still scared.

She's a beautiful little girl. It KILLS me to think she may have to struggle in life . . . . but Brian is right though, it doesn't matter. We have to enjoy every single day, and just hope for the absolute best for her and do everything in our power for her (and of course, there's absolutely no question that we will). She's our bean after all!