Our Nights

Just as work finally eased up and I was looking so, so forward to catching up on sleep, sleep "issues" fell upon us.  I don't know what's going on, really, but Mia is having a hard time going to sleep at night and is waking up at least once a night screaming and the only thing that soothes her is laying with me or B.  We've been playing a lot of musical beds around here. 

This is all complicated by the fact that when we moved into our new house, we decided to let the girls share a room (at Sammie B's request).  All was sweet and cute with the shared pink & purple room (also Sammie's request) for months . . . . we would listen over the monitor to Sammie tell her sister what to do at bed time with such authority ("Do NOT stand up in your bed.  Lay down.  Right now! Right Now Mia!") and we'd giggle . . . but then sleep issues.  Suddenly, the shared room seemed like not such a perfect idea.  

There were a couple of nights where Mia was screaming until 10 pm and then screaming again at 4 am and Sammie would yell "NO crying Mia, NO CRYING!" with such tired desperation (I felt her pain!) that I felt terrible for her.  I talked to Sammie about showing compassion and not getting so mad because something was bothering Mia, and the next time Mia woke screaming, I laid in bed and listened over the monitor as Sammie whispered to her sister, "it's okay, Mia.  I'm right here.  It's okay."   Often, one of us would go in and get Mia, and the other one of us would lay with Sam in her bed.  But then . . . Sammie B was waking up in the mornings with dark circles under her eyes.  Because of all the wake ups, she wasn't getting enough sleep, and she often has therapies in the mornings.  So, for now, we have a certain almost-five-year-old sleeping in our bed, which allows her to get the zzzzzs she needs, and allows me to go to Mia during the night when she gets up without Sammie waking (or B, seems like everyone is winning here except mama!).   

On top of these sleep issues, I'm finding myself falling into a tailspin of anxiety lately . . . . for many reasons, some little, some not so little.  Thinking about this coming school year, hoping we've made the best decision for Sammie's school (disappointed neither of the charter schools happened for us), anxious about some new "experts" we hope to add to Team Sammie B this year to help us figure out how to best set her up for success in school (more on all of this to come), anxiety about whether I'm giving each girl enough of me, always wishing there was more of me, more patience, more time, more everything.  Feeling like life is whizzing by at warp speed, and that there's all these things we should be doing now (or yesterday or last month) (like potty training).  I just wish that life would slow down.  I wish I could catch my breath.  I wish there were less things to feel like we "should" be doing that we just aren't getting to, or that we aren't getting to give "enough" to.    

In the midst of all this craziness, the sleep issues, the anxiety -- there are actually moments when both of the girls are sleeping, moments I peek in at them and watch them breathe . . . and suddenly all feels right with my world.  As if time is standing still, and the world (and my heart) is overcome with nothing but calm and peace. 

Oh these two.  They own my heart in a way I never knew possible.  They are my heart.